Saturday, July 5, 2014

It all went away

It just amazes me how you can go from being so close with someone to being on a level of speaking to each other with nothing but awkwardness. How does a 20 year friendship just disappear?

I never was the type of person to change myself for someone else. I didn't ditch my friends. I didn't change my personality, or the people I was friends with. Not only are you lying to yourself your lying to everyone else. If you can't be yourself around someone who says they love you, then they don't love the real you. They love the you that you became for them. Which isn't real. Eventually the real you comes out, then what? They either stay or leave. You could end up with nothing. You shouldn't have to be someone you aren't.

We told each other everything, we did everything together. We could be somewhere and see something and look at each other and know exactly what we were both thinking. Knowing the past, all the memories, the good and the bad, being able to tell when something is wrong when others can't. Being there in a snap when you need to talk or are upset. Right by your side for everything. That's what friends are. Not someone who will be at the bar when you want to party.

When your mom was dying who was up at the hospital all night with you right by your side. She was my second mom. I wanted to be there with you. Your my sister. You cried in my arms when they took her off life support. Went into work with no sleep, worried all day about you. Out of everyone during the funeral you wanted me right behind you. That means something!!!

We have been through so much together. You were there for me the night Dan went nuts with the gun and cops were called. Crap it was your cousin who defended me. You helped me pack up 2 cars of what I could fit the next day when I left him. You were right there with it all. I cried to you and vented to you.

We have so many happy and fun memories. We definately have our share of bad ones also but we are more like sisters than best friends. Both on a full week off work and we seen each other once. ONCE!! And we barely spoke. Your birthday dinner hit me hard. You really don't care. You really don't care you are throwing 20 years of friendship away! How?? We are both god mothers to each others children, we were each others maid of honors, you were there when I delivered Lucas, you knew I was pregnant before Dan or my mom! How does this happen?? How does 20 years just slip away?

I miss us. I miss our goofy inside jokes only we understood. I miss talking to you everyday, I miss hanging out with you. I don't know what happened. I hope this is a phase and it isn't to late when you realize the one real person you had in your life isn't there anymore. I don't want to lose you, but I can't just sit on the sidelines waiting for you. I want my sister, my best friend back. I want the real you back. Not the you that you have become.


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