Monday, May 21, 2012
Tonight I went to my parents house to drop of the car seat. Lee ran it inside because he said he didn't want to be there forever because he wanted to go in and watch the game. Well since he was taking forever I shut the car off and ran inside. Where I walked into my father and Lee talking... My father had obviously been drinking... I hate when he acts like that. He was feeling no pain that's for sure.. Telling me how nice I looked and gave me a hug and said it was nice to see his long lost daughter. Ok for one... That's not how we act. We don't hug or he doesn't show affection.. Unless he's been drinking.. He gave me a few more compliments and I started feeling uncomfortable because when he acts like that I don't know how to respond. So I sit on the floor and give Chance, our family dog, some lovings. My dad starts talking about how shittynof a vacation he had (my parents went up north a few hours to a cabin for like 3 days) and how him and my mom fought. He started cutting her down and bitching about her.. Which I started to try and change the subject. Especially since that's always one of the main topics of conversation is something negative about my mom. As he continues to bitch and complain about how miserable heh was while away, I couldn't help but think to myself, why continue to go then? Why do you insist on taking my mom on a mini getaway knowing your just lying to make it hell for not only her but you? It doesn't seem to register apparently. It's like every time I am over at my parents house and my father is there its the same shit!.. I really don't stop over anymore. He just has this way of making your feel so sad when you leave to go home. He can't ever be happy. He has to try and make everyone else feel horrible. Today he gave me compliments and I didn't know how to respond because well, frankly my dad doesn't give them very often. And if he does he makes sure to say something negative to erase the positive comment he just shared. I wish that I had a father who actually acted like one. Who I could go to when I needed to talk or needed something. Not someone who just makes me feel worse about myself after we have a conversation. I love him to death dont get me wrong. But when I think about how I feel about him it reminds me of when my grandma passed away (his mom). I didn't know how to feel. My grandma was a horrible person. She was a shitty mom, a shitty grandmother, just a shitty person in general. She was selfish. She was a liar. A fraud. Fake. Miserable. Negative. Person. And my father followed right in her footsteps. And when she passed away she did it alone. The only two people who went to visit her was myself and my cousin Jeff. Her kids didn't even see her. They only went to the funeral for show. Which my dad didn't even go. When I got the call I cried but didn't know how felt. She treated me like total shit and my brother like he walked on water. Yet I was always there for her. (I was 18 when she passed away, even though her mind was gone a few years before that) I loved her but I was confused. I broke down in front of the funeral home before I went in, but that was the last tear I shed. That reminds me of my father. Although I love my father . I just look at it like that. I don't know how I feel half the time. As I'm sitting here with many thoughts running through my mind on this subject, I just can't seem to spit it all out. All I can think is how I just wish I never went in to get Lee. How I wish today didn't happen. All it did was hurt...
Thursday, May 17, 2012
hmmmmm.... It's amazing how you think some people are but you are totally wrong.. How you can know someone for a long time or just a short time and you think you know them and turns out you don't. How they tell you something and it's a total lie! I flat out asked a question to someone and I got an answer then turns out I find out the answer I was given wasn't the truth. I honestly don't get it though. I don't understand why people can't just be up front and honest with other people. I might not always say exactly how I feel but I'm a pretty upfront and honest person and I expect to be treated the same way in return. I'm sooooooo frustrated I can't even put it into words!!!