Can't escape

 

 

I've recently hit rock bottom with my depression and anxiety. Never have I ever felt this horrible or lost or miserable. For months I could slowly feel myself getting worse and worse, Myself going deeper and deeper into a black whole. I started crying myself to sleep more than ever, when taking a hot bath to relax I find myself just sitting there holding my legs in a ball and I just cry and cry. Lee would knock on the door making sure I didn't fall asleep, little did he know I was in there losing it. I cry on the way to and from work. Basically I cry whenever I'm alone. I'm not the type of girl who can cry and just let it out easily in front of others. I don't like people seeing me at my worst, or that I'm not as strong as I let on.

Finally after crying for an hour in the bathtub when I got out I sat on the edge of the bed in a towel and yelled for Lee to come upstairs. I just started bawling. He had no idea what was going on. I told him I think I should go to rescue crisis. If feeling like this everyday was going to continue then it don't want to live. Lucas luckily is a reason to love for. But I see why people end their life, I honestly do. What's the point of living if your going to be miserable everyday. It's a horrible feeling to feel this way.

Been seeing a dr. He's upped my Xanax quite a bit. 4x what I was on before and changed my antidepressant. Although it's not helping much. Maybe some but not enough. Going once a week so he can monitor my blood pressure and see if my meds are improving. Well they aren't. I need either to have them upped or a different medicine. He gave me a psychologist number to call and set up an appointment but with all my dr appointments going on and dentist appointments I have to wait.

I just want to feel normal. To be happy. That's not asking a lot. But I just can't get there. All I want to do is just lay in bed curled up under the covers. I haven't been able to take my meds the last two days and man can I feel it. I'm so much worse without medicine. Atleast it helps some, it's better than not at all. I'm so emotional. I want to cry and run away. I want to not feel this way.

 

It's hard because when you don't battle depression yourself it's hard to understand. Depression is hard on a relationship. The other person has to pick up a lot of slack on days when you can't get out of bed or can't get off the couch because how horrible you feel. You push people away. I know I do. The worse I feel the more I push people away. I don't know if it's because I don't want them to see me at my worst or because I don't want to hurt them or both or what. When I feel like I do today I am not the nicest person to be around. Especially to ones I care about. I push them away, I'm snappy and bitchy. I intentionally don't want to hurt them. I guess maybe that's why it's best I stay to myself so I don't. I don't want to do that to someone.
This is exactly how I've been lately.

 

 

This is totally how I feel. I'm never happy but I have days where I'm not as bad as others. This is what's so hard. I can't ever be happy just not as down as other days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's hard to explain how I feel. Which is why I'm hoping going to therapy will help me. Maybe it'll be easier talking to someone who has an idea of what's going on. Although they might understand they still won't know how it feels if they don't personally battle it themselves.

 

Sleeping helps get through the day because I don't feel anything. But sometimes all I want to do is sleep and I just lay there and stay at the tv without being able to sleep whatsoever. I hate depending on medicine to get me to be able to get atleast two hours of sleep.

 

 

 

 

Amen!!!!! It's so hard trying to get someone to understand the battle I deal with every day. It's so hard for them to understand this isn't a choice, how I act or feel isn't optional or controllable. I wish everyday I could be different. That I could feel different.

 

 

This is what means the most. A simple hug. Being held. Not speaking and trying to say something that you don't understand. Just holding me and saying your here and meaning it.

 

 

 

Just trying to get through the day is more exhausting that working a 12 hour shift. It takes so much just to try and be normal. To try and not take it out on others. To make yourself get out of bed, to do normal everyday activities. To just remember to smile and laugh so you don't look stupid or out of place. It's exhausting.

 

 

 

I'm always saying I'm fine. I'm not, but people don't want to hear the truth. And I get tired of saying no.

 

 

 

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Feeling lost

This is the worst I've ever felt with battling depression. I've never hit this point of wondering what the point of living is. The only thing that gets me through the day is Lucas. If it wasn't for him I can't say what would happen to me. I go through everyday feeling so lost. Not really "here". I find myself not enjoying much of anything anymore. I used to read so much. I loved reading, couldn't get enough. Now it feels like a chore. I'm on the same book I've been reading for months. It's even by my favorite author, yet I can't seem to want to read more than a couple pages every few days. I don't enjoy my time with Lucas doing fun activities and going to do all the fun activities away like I used to.

Today as I sit in the bath tub the thought crossed my mind to actually go and get help now. I'm scared with how I feel. This isn't normal or healthy. Just to go check myself in somewhere and get better. But I can't afford to miss work. So what am I going to do? Continue going to work everyday coming home feeling like this until I can't anymore.

I want to know why I feel like this. Why do I have to hurt so bad everyday. To fight so hard to feel the slightest bit of happiness.

I just want this pain to end....

To feel normal.

To be happy.

Not have my heart race all day.

Have my mind be calm.

To be positive.

Not hurt.

 

I wish I could just take a magic pill and have all these negative feelings and thoughts that consume my body just disappear for good.

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A daydreamer

Im a dreamer. I over think. AND it drives me crazy!! All I do all day every day is think. And think some more. And then when I think I'm done, NOPE! I think some more.

I'm not talking about just using my brain and thinking like a normal person. No, see that would be easy. And nothing is easy for me. I am far from normal. I can over think any situation. When I want something or plan something or something is going on I will play it out in my head in just about any and every way mentally possible. Then I confuse myself to holy hell!

I like that I play out things in my head but as much as I do all it does is wear me out. When I'm at work I have more than enough time on my hands where I can drift away off into that little land that I wonder off to and think. It won't even be anything big and it will eat at me because I'll replay it in every way possible. Not that I over analyze because I don't, it's different. It can be from what I'm wearing for an event to how I am planning Lucas's birthday that can be months and months away to whatever situation I'm in or what will happen in the future. It doesn't matter what it is, I think about it. Shopping, relationships, parenting, the future, dinner plans, shopping lists, you name it.!

I just want more than anything to turn my mind off at times. It's goes along with my depression I think. Because when I'm depressed it's so much worse.

I wish I could just figure this stuff out and stop spending every waking moment thinking about it! Pick a path and go.

I think if maybe I had more of a life I wouldn't day dream as often as I do. If I had more besides working my life away and coming home doing dinner and Lucas school stuff, etc. Maybe doing things more that I enjoy for myself like I used to. Last summer I still did stuff I enjoyed. I used to exercise regularly, bake, try all these new recipes, (god I used to love to cook!), smash book, hell read! It takes me forever to get through a Book now :( , running, shooting my bow going out for some drinks with my friends. I don't do any of that anymore.

Where did I go? I used to work, do all the kid stuff, mom stuff and still find time to be me... What happened? I've lost who I was, I don't even know anymore.

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Uncontrollable

I get sick of assumptions. "Your acting different" ... "Something's wrong"... Yes something is wrong, and I shouldn't have to always explain how I feel. It drives me crazy! I can't explain it to myself let alone to someone else. After so long you would think it's known. I have depression. I go through spells. I can't control it anymore than someone else can. It's not like I wake up saying today I'm going to be depressed and distant and keep to myself. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.

I hate feeling this way. The unknown feelings. The feeling that I want to get up and go do something but would rather just lay in bed alone. I want to feel normal. I'd love to shit my brain off for a whole day. It just doesn't work that way. There isn't a specific reason I'm depressed. It's not what someone did or hasn't done. It's just me. It's my screwed up brain.

I lay in bed wanting to do something. I have a million things I want to do or get done or make or create or watch or read. But despite all of that, I do nothing. It's not that I don't have the energy it's because I just don't care to. It's easier to lay there and dream. Dream of what I'd rather being doing, because I just can't get myself up to do it. That's depression. I have to deal with it every day. It's a constant battle. It's not something I choose, it chose me. I'm plenty medicated. It just doesn't always seem to work.

If I could change one thing about myself besides my constant unhappiness with my body it would be my daily battle with depression. People who don't have it don't understand it. I'm not saying being on the opposite end of it is easy when you are dealing with someone who is battling it, but try being the person who actually is. It effects your everyday life. Work, social life, relationships, parenthood, daily activities, eating, everything.

 

The sad thing Is I feel like I let Lucas down everyday. I look at him and can tell he is already showing symptoms and signs of depression. He doesn't smile nearly as much as most kids do. It's hard to get that smile out. Just like me. I want more than anything to not have him grow up feeling the way I feel. No matter how much I do ith him or smother him with love it won't change that.

 

 

When its nice out and the sun is shining bright, it helps my mood some. When it's dreary and cold it makes me feel the same way. The weather can play a role in your depression also.

I'm the type of person that needs to be kept busy. The more downtime I have the more I have time to think, and to over think. I get worn out by working so much and running around with every day stuff but it's better for me to be like that than to not. Ive been down almost a week, off work in pain with my back. Do I think that's playing a role in my mood right now? Hell yes! I have to much time on my hands which means I have no clue how to fill it. See I also have ADHD so my attention span is shit. Next to me I have my phone, iPod, iPad (which I'm currently on) and my book. I keep bouncing from one to the other. Texting, playing games, Pintrest, reading, searching the web, and watching Lucas and his friend play video games. Lol.

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So cute I can't stand it!!

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a complete utter animal freak! I love all animals! Not an animal out there that I can't find something cute about! If I could I would own a huge piece of land with many different sorts of animals.

I am a sucker when it comes to animals. I would rather surround myself with animals than people any day. Animals are innocent, people are not. When it comes to my own animals, they are my life. I spoil them like my children. Especially Harlie. She's my baby. My princess! I got her right before I found out I was pregnant with a lucas.

I used to have a lot more animals than I do now but unfortunately I had to put them down. At one point I had 4 fish, a frog, a big lizard, 4 rats, 3 cats and 2 dogs. I miss my rats like crazy. They were so lovable and smart! I would love to get more but their life span is only 2 years and that's to heart breaking for me to go through losing an animal that frequently. :( I was very attached to Fatters (squishy) our big male rat, and his wifey (lol they had 2 liters is I married them) Mamma's (ratouille). They knew who mommy was. Makes me said thinking about it :( .

If you know me you know penguins are my favorite animals. I love them!!! Next would probably be giraffes! But it's hard to choose, I love so many animals and they are just so cute! I like any cute stuffed animal. I couldn't have to many!

I love that Lucas took on my love of animals also. He loves the. He reads books, and watches all the animal shows, loves stuffed animals and the zoo! He can't watch animals being killed on tv like me either. We are more animal people than anything. I love that he's like that. I believe if you Are an animal lover you have a bigger heart. It shows a lot of character about get type of person you are!

Here are some of my faves!

Eeek! My favorite!!! Penguins!

 

 

 

I mean really how adorable!

 

What a cute giraffe!!!

 

Look at that face!!!!!!!

Hedgehogs!!! I will be getting one soon! Lucas keeps asking when I'm getting one. They are so damn cute!!

 

 

 

 

 

Seals are so cute!! Look how innocent they look!

 

 

 

Otters!!

 

 

Such mean animals, but so freakin cute!!

Platypus! God they are cute!!!!

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Happy this week

Happy This Week

 

Here we go again! Another day to reflect the past week and what has made me happy this week.

 

** Gorgeous weather! Warm days and cool nights. What more could you ask for!?!

** Lucas had his first sleepover at a friends house Wednesday night. Ok so maybe I took it hard (pathetic I know! Lol) but he was so happy so how couldn't I be?

** The perfect watermelon! Yes this makes me happy! So ripe, red, sweet and juicy!... Yummmmmm!

** Lucas had a house full of kids basically all week. I love him having friends over. Lucas and a bunch of kids piled into our pool and swam. Floating between the pool and jumping on the trampoline.!

** Tesla concert Friday night! Amazinggggg as always! I love Telsa! The singers voice and way he moves. He's awesome! Great show, and we were so close!!

** I bought Justin Moore tickets for july 27th!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo!! Super psyched (if you can't tell!)

** Saturday my good friend Helen and I went out for her birthday. We went to Carmels listened to a buddy of ours DJ, had some margaritas and good food. Went out after, had way to much to drink, met new people, and had lots of laughs!... Had a couple stalkers lol, but I held my own. Makes ya feel good getting hit on though. Atleast I know someone still is interested in how I look lol.

** Sunday was our 2 year wedding Anniversary. We went to Gratzi's in Ann Arbor. Got all dressed up and had an amazing meal. I ordered mussels, scallops, and shrimp linguine in a pesto sauce. Yum! It's nice to have a fancy dinner where you never been at a REAL Italian resturant! Had a nice very nice meal! From the appetizer, salad, main course to the dessert it was all amazing! Before it was a resturant it was an old theatre, gorgeous inside.!

Appetizer.. Cured meat, cheeses, and grilles veggies.

Yummy salad!How amazing does this pasta dish look! My faveeeee!

 

Trimasu... So good!!

Waiter took our pic at dinner.

 

Gorgeous view!

 

** I had the weekend off! Probably last one for awhile! Boo!

 

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Myself again.

Yesterday was my 2nd wedding anniversary. We keep it simple when it comes to gifts. When we got married I told Lee I wanted to do the traditional gifts. It is the creative, quirky gifts that mean the most. This year was cotton. I spent like $20 on his gift... A tshirt that said. "I love my hot wife" lol. I bought it awhile ago.

So when I came down stairs with his gift, on the counter sat 2 gift bags... And one was quite big. I immediately said "I thought we were keeping it simple?" So he tells me one was a last minute gift and I would understand when I opened it. He opened his first.. Now my turn. He tells me to open the smaller of the two. A pink leather journal that I can bend... Yeah I understood immediately, he said the other one sets it off..mNext up the big bag.... Fire proof lock box. Keys and digital code. Now it really makes sense. He looked at me and told me how bad it made him feel when I told him he took a part of me away when I quit writing because I couldn't trust him to read my journal again. Best gift ever.

I absolutely love to write. Not being able to for so many years has definately killed a part of me. Now I will be able to write without worry that someone will read my writing. I like to blog, sure.... But writing on paper with ink is an amazing feeling.

 

 

I now want to take a drive out to Maumee Bay and sit with my journal, a pen, and my thoughts while listening to the water crash against the shore. Hopefully I'll be able to take a drive out there and write... Take pictures. Just me, myself and I. Journal, camera, and my thoughts. Maybe even a coffee and sunrise.

I feel like I gained a part of myself back. I lost that years ago when I found out my husband, then boyfriend was reading my journal. My personal thoughts that I didn't want to share with anyone else but myself. I never wrote again. I can now unlock my thoughts and lock them up under code and key.

 

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