Wednesday, April 11, 2012

7 of my favorite books.- This was hard, I have many books that I LOVE. But this is what I could come up with that I know I do love!

1. "Valley of the Dolls" By Jacqueline Susan (I just loved loved loved this book! I read all her books. They are amazing! If you haven't read this give it a shot, I bet you love it. I was recommended to read it and I'm thinking about re reading it again!)

2. "A Time Traveler's Wife" By, Audrey Niffenegger (Love it, simple as that!)

3. "Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas" By. James Patterson (I've read this about 5x. I love it!!)

4. "The Davinci Code" By. Dan Brown (Most have read, it's awesome!)
5. Harry Potter series (I couldn't put these books down when I started them, I LOVED every single one!!)

6. "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo By. Stieg Larsson (I had a hard time reading this at first, but then I couldn't put it down! AMAZING book and awesome series!)

7. Twilight Series By. Stephanie Meyer (This is an obvious one for us girls! lol)

Best friends for life!

Been best friends for 18 years. Wow!!! When Mandy moved into the apartments that I lived in and we met, we were instantly friends. I dropped all my other friends and we were joined at the hip from then on.

We did everything together. Partners in crime! She lived right upstairs from me. We pretty much lived together. Her mom just assumed I was staying for dinner. We really didn't have to ask to stay at eachothers house, it was pretty much a given on the weekends. In the summer well we just split it between our places lol.

*Building our "robot" out of boxes and spare parts from appliances haha!!*

Playing hide and seek in the whole apartment complex! Mandy's cousin hiding "love" notes all around her bedroom! lol.. The Polish festival every year!.. Going swimming at night with the lights on in the pool!.. Paging people and leaving the pay phone number at the pool! haha.. Splitting bag of chips and each getting hot dog from 711.. Subway.. Walking to ace hardware to make copies to make a coloring book! lmao!.. DARNELL!!.. All night skate at Ohio Skate!.. The drug store!.. Them kick ass breadsticks from the pizza shop next to the drug store! Yum!!.. Flicking Dewey and them chicks off and running like a bad outta hell!.. The Ouijia board lmao!.. Bringing the bear to life with candles haha.. Ringing door bells and running.. Papa Johns at your house, Hungry Howies at mine!.. Playing Nintendo in your room all night. Bubble Bobble, Paperboy and Super Mario 3 were our faves!.. Getting all set up to play barbies and then we'd be done.! Always making Pat play Ken haha!.. Hide and Seek in your bedroom with Cliff, Jordan and Pat lol.. Ricky and Derrick!.. Me and Ricky sticking gum on the door knobs.. JIM!! LOL... Northtowne Mall.. Me, you and Amber going and seeing Final Destination!.. Home lane! lol.. Nick and Tony.. Your dad walking in on us with HOT DAM! You with the bottle and me with the shot! ut oh! lol.. "Becky they had boys in the house and they were smoking cigars!" hahaha... My mom busting in on Jeff, Jason, you and I smoking weed and drinking lmao!! Chasing Jeff with the broom up the stairs!.. Maid of honor in your wedding.. Martini nights.. Going in hungover after 8 martini's! lol.. Horseman!.. Remember locking your keys in your car and had to get online to find a ride to get your spare? haha.. AOL.. Getting your car stuck in the ally in the snow haha!.. Putting to much oil in your car and blowing the engine! WHOOPS! LMao! Your dad was soooo mad at us!.. Your 21st birthday party!.. My 21st birthday party (we both called off the next day lol).. Liquor all over your car when we drank outside all night, and the cops coming!.. St.Patty's Day!.. Indian's vs Detroit game with Rick and Dan.. Walking all over Cleveland til god knows what time!.. Me taking my pregnancy test at work, Me:Mandy it's jsut a very faint line.. You:Nicole there are 2 lines your pregnant! lol.. You were first to know!!.. Homecomming dance.. Sneaking wine coolers from your moms basement to drink lol.. Jello shots.. Thirsty Thursdays at Tonia's!.. Beer Pong.. Major Magics.. Being drunk swimming in your pool having Brian flip us over on the rafts!.. Going to Cleveland with me and my mom! The Power ranger night light flickering on and off, the water turned on. Hiding under the blankets!. My 13th birthday party when we scratched the "unnamed" persons cds on my skateboard! haha.. Sneaking me out to malibus because my mom and dad wouldn't let me! lol..

God girl that's only part of it! We've had so many memories!

We've been through it all that's for sure! We just instantly clicked! We were made to be best friends for life! I remember when we lied to your mom and said you didn't have school and you stayed the night with me and went to school with me lol! And then we lied and said we didn't have school and went to Swanton and hung out with a guy lmao!!

Man we were trouble makers! We've always been there for eachother. I'm glad you've been my partner in crime. I wouldn't have it any other way. I always want us to be this close. To tell eachother everything. To be there for eachother through the hard times and the fun times.

I love how we can look around and notice something, look at eachother and know EXACTLY what eachother's thinking and laugh! I love how we have that connection. There aren't many people who have friendships like we do. Who have been friends for 18 years like us. That's rare. And we are just beginging!

Your my sons godmother. I'll be your sons godmother. They will grow up to be close and family! Lucas will always look after his little "brother" just as we've always looked after eachother. They will be best friends just like us.

I remember when you went to your papaw's in Lima for a week and I was sleep walking, opened the door and walked up stairs and knocked on your door. I walked back in and my dad happened to hear the door. See I missed your ass! lol.

I'm glad that I have a friend that I can tell everything to. That I know that if I ever need anything your there. When things get rough and I'm upset I can always lean on you. And you can always do the same. We are so much alike in so many ways. We aren't just best friends we are sisters!

I love when it starts getting nicer out. We start our weekly drink fest at the horseman! lol.. We do the cookouts at your house, eat, swim, drink and bullshit! Go to all the fairs and carnivals! I'm so looking forward to doing all that with our kids this summer! I can't wait.

We have been through it all with eachother right by eachothers side and I wouldn't change a thing! I'm so glad you've been along for the crazy ride we've both shared! I hope our boys end up just like us girl! I love you so much!!!

"Best-friends are like sisters except God didn't make us the same because he knew that one mom couldn't handle us."

"BEST FRIEND- someone who has been there for you through everything & they know more things about you than anyone else!"

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

7 things

I'm going to start the 7 things list again. I'm going to try and do it every day. If I blog that day I'll do it at the end. Let's see how well I stick to this! HA!

7 things that attracts me to a guy..
1. Good with kids (especially mine! lol)
2. Works!!
3. Hands. I'm a hand girl all the way! (Don't get me wrong I'm for sure an arm girl also! And the lower belly.)
4. How well he can make me laugh. I love it when a guy can make me laugh. But he has to know how to be serious and take things serious also.

5. If I'm in my lounge clothes with my hair just thrown up and no make up on watching a movie on the couch or in bed. Is still attracted to me. I don't like it when a guy thinks a girl needs to be done up all the time for her to be attractive!

6. Is there for me in every way. (Which needs to be mutual)
7. Animal lover. Point blank. !

Obviously there are the norms. Trust, etc but this is more specific!

Monday, April 9, 2012


Ever have one of those days where you want to stay in bed all day, because your so down? Yeah I'm sure that I'm not the only one there. Today I just should have taken a bunch of sleeping pills and slept all day and night. But then again I'm sure I'd feel the same way I feel right now, but tomorrow. Ugh!

My mind is racing today. I can't seem to focus. I'm upset, sad, angry, hurt, curious, distant, cautious, confused, helpless, lost, skeptical, uneasy, frustrated, hesitant, vulnerable, alone, restless... I'm sure I could continue. Today is definitely NOT my day! Well really it hasn't been my weekend!..

It's like I really don't have a lot to bitch about. I do not have it as bad as many other people out there. My parents are alive (although I wouldn't exactly call them parents) but they are here, I have my son, a full time job (and a part time job) I have food, a roof over my head. I dealt with much worse myself.

It's just sometimes shit hits me and it hurts. I went through worse just being with Dan. Maybe that's why right now I'm so confused? I don't know. When I left him I felt like my world was turned upside down. I mean it was. I was now a single mom, who had just been recently laid off (for 6 months) he took my car, I had to move home, and fight for custody. He treated me like shit, he may not have put his hands on me anymore but the mind games continued. The shit still exsisted.

Now it's like I'm just fed up. I don't want to go through what I went through before. I can only deal with so much before I just don't give a shit anymore. This weekend I hit my breaking point. I never ever would've thought he would've pulled the shit he did. He's WAY more jealous that Dan. He's more jealous than anyone else I know. And how in the hell do I end up being the bad guy in all this?

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.
I just want to hit him so hard right now that I can't even put it into words.
I want to just go off and never stop. (but I'm biting my tongue)
I want to hit him upside his head and maybe knock some sense into his thick ass skull and maybe just MAYBE he will GET IT!! But I do not see that happening. He's sooooo clueless about it all. He seriously feels he did nothing wrong.

In his families eyes I'm the bad guy. How is that? I have no clue. And I don't give a shit anymore either.

It's like I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel alone. I know I'm not. I always have Mandy for one. But, I don't really think anyone can make me feel better. Or knock this depressed feeling out of me. It's not that I'm depressed because of him. I can't really explain it. It's sad when I'm really not to surprised that he did something this dumb. He already has done everything else so what else was to come next. I figured following me or showing up. No it was calling. Dumb ass!

I really don't like being unsure about myself. I don't like having feelings for someone else.

I hate that wanting feeling.
Why the hell do I have that?
How could I have that?

I like the wall. I want the wall. I don't like letting people in because of this feeling. I want to back off. Let it go away. Die down. And then who knows. But this feeling? Ugh! Never really saw this coming! Completely blind sided me.

Today everyone could tell I was not myself. Super tired and staring blankly into space. "You ok?" everyone kept asking. Am I? Yeah I am. Do I feel it? I just feel different. Not myself. Lost. I'm usually a pretty big goof ball at work. I wasn't even listening to my IPOD, just was there. I guess the very little sleep I've had in the past 3 nights has caught up to me. And well my thoughts.

I know I need sleep. I haven't slept much this weekend at all. I'm headed towards being a walking zombie. I can't shut my mind of during the day and it stills is going strong through the night.

Yeah this post... Way out there and all over the place. Nice random sentences. OH well. That's how I feel I guess. Wish I could REALLY express how I feel, but I don't even know how that is. I'll get over it, and be my happy goofy self again in no time. I just wish it would hurry up. This front I'm putting on isn't working very well. I can only put on that smile and pretend so long.

Saturday, April 7, 2012


Trust doesn't just come naturally to me anymore. I used to have this heart that just let everyone in. I used to trust everyone. Which in return I got burned, bad.

Most of my trust issues are of course because of the hell I went through with the ex. The one person I should have been able to trust the most was the one who hurt me the most. I put everything all out there to just get lies and hurt in return.

Since I left I have had a hard time with trusting people. I'm not just saying trust in a relationship either. I don't really trust people period. It's not getting any easier to trust someone with feelings or whats on my mind either. It seems like the more I start to open up, someone makes me regret it and I in return shield myself once again.

The other day I was in my own little world at work. Had my Ipod in just listening to music, keeping to myself and being quiet. I had a lot on my mind. When I'm at work I seem to be able to tune the world out more easily and think. I was thinking about trust which is why I'm writing about it now. (well technically typing lol) I was just standing there thinking how you really can't trust anyone.

There is not one person I can honestly say I really trust. It's like when I open up and say something personal I regret it almost instantly. I have one person I share most things with and that is about the closest person I have to me. He's probably the one person that keeps things to himself when I share them. Who does care. When I'm having a bad he says "babe when your having a bad day, it makes me have a bad day cause your my best friend" and that's all he is, is a friend.

I have plenty of friends I talk to and hang out with. I have a best friend of course. But do I trust any of them with everything? Do I trust them with my feelings, problems, or secrets? No.

Recently I was looking out for someone who was hurt and upset. This person was going through problems and I was giving my best advice to help. I wasn't looking out for anyone but them. They ended up sharing this with the person they were having problems with once things were better. Well I learned my lesson on that one. Don't come to me for advice if you are going to just try and use it against me. I mean nothing I said was bad or anything, it's just the point. You obviously came to me for advice and someone to talk with. So don't burn your bridges. At some point your going to need it again and I'm not going to be there. When someone gives you advice and is there for you, don't put them out on front street. That's how you end up with no one.

I used to be able to talk with my mom about everything. I went to her every time I was upset, hurt or just needed someone to talk with and vent to. Something changed. I can't seem to connect with my mom on any level anymore. That hurts. She was not only my mom but she was my best friend. Now we barely have a regular conversation. Our conversation consists of what time she needs to be here in the morning to take Lucas to school. When I talk to her about something it's like she's annoyed and just tells me "well you better figure it out" OK well DUH! But really mom? If I talk to her about anything anymore she's negative. One thing she doesn't understand anything I go through. She's been married to my father for like 26 years. She never had to go through the custody battle, the split, the problems I go through with Lucas because of it, the relationship with 2 different families. It's not easy. And she just DOESN'T get it!

At one point during the custody battle it was getting pretty bad. The ex was lying pretty bad about me (which the guardian knew was a lie on proof thank god!) but the courts weren't really doing what they should have been doing. They seemed to be letting him get away with murder and I was the good mom who was innocent and paying for it. My mom said "If that was me I wouldn't even do it anymore, I couldn't go through that forever, I'd just stop fighting and hand you over to him" WHAT??? REALLY?!?!?! That's your advice? That's you supporting me when I'm FIGHTING for my son? Yeah that's what I'm talking about!

So the few people I did confide everything with, aren't there anymore. I'm so used to not having someone "really" there. I have friends of course. But I'm used to being let down. I'm used to it. And to be honest this wall I have up is just getting stronger and stronger. Eventually it will be impossible to come down. But I think I'd rather have it that way. I still get my feelings hurt from people. But hopefully that won't be like that much longer. I'm sick of being there for everyone. I'm sick of giving advice, for listening to someones problems, for being there when they need someone, and when I need someone, no one being there.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Make believe

<3 All girls want the fairy tale <3

Cinderella gets her prince charming with the glass slipper. Snow White gets rescued by her prince. Sleeping Beauty is awoke by her prince with a kiss. All girls want the fairy tale.

Why do girls love chic flicks? They are a fantasy! All woman watch romance movies and want that! We want that kind of passion. We want our prince to rescue us from whatever it is we may need to be rescued from.

I of course like many other women love chic flicks (as well as many other genres). I could curl up on the couch in my pjs with a couple of good chic flicks and be in heaven. When you watch romantic movies it makes you melt. You have that "I want that" feeling. I personally get giddy watching romantic chic flicks!.. It's like you put yourself in the other girls shoes. You get to imagine what it's like to be her. That feeling that they are feeling at that moment when that one who she has wanted and waited for kisses her for the first time.

All girls want this. Which is why I think we are so drawn to romance movies or novels. It's like it calls to us, lol.

For example, The Notebook! I don't know a girl who doesn't LOVE this movie! It's like the most romantic movie ever!... After a summer romance they go their separate ways, although never forgetting one another. Even though years apart they prove love conquers all.

Or Pretty Woman! Another classic! God I love this movie! The way Richard Gere looks at Julia Roberts in this movie you'd think they were in love. The sex scene. So passionate and romantic. The ending where he screams up for her and climbs up the ladder even though he's terrified of heights! So sweet!

We all want that prince charming to sweep us off our feet. That kiss we get butterflies for. A guy to hold us in his arm and hold our face with his hands and kiss us like they mean it.. This only happens in the movies though.

MOST girls (I included, even though I'm not super lovey dovey I still like it!) like the sweet little gestures a guy makes. If it's pushing your hair out of your face, grabbing you in someway, grabbing your hand, putting his arm around you, hugging you for now reason, laying on the couch or cuddling up in bed watching (none other than a romantic movie! lol). We all love the little affectionate touches.

We want that passion when we make love (Ok not always! haha) That passion in your eyes when you look at us, when you touch us, and kiss us. We want what's in the movies. To be able to go to him for any and everything. If somethings wrong we want to be reassured your there. We want a best friend, a lover, a man. We want a protector. All woman want the same thing in many ways. Just with other stuff thrown in there. =P

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Pushed to the limit!

I just don't get it.

I really don't!


Ok well one thing I can't stand is someone who is OVERLY jealous! It kills relationships. I don't understand how someone can be so jealous to the point where it causes so many fights and arguments.

When you smother someone it doesn't make them want to be around you more. All it does is pushes them further and further away from you. It makes them resent you.

If I go out with my best friend and do not come home until 2:30 A.M then so be it. I went out, I had fun, get over it! If I came home at 4 in the morning, then you can be mad, ya know? Nope not in my house. If I go out once a week that is to much. I am a person not a damn object. All I would do if I stayed home would be sitting around the damn house. I guess excuse the hell outta me for wanting to hang out with my friends.

I can't stand to be in my own house and questioned like I'm at a damn police station. It gets old.... QUICK! You can only question someone so many times before that person eventually shuts down. You can only give the same damn answer so many times you start screaming it... Before it turns into a huge fight. Where things get said that probably shouldn't.

I'm sick of feeling like I live in a damn prison. I am so sick and tired of being questioned to death. It's like harassment! I shouldn't have to share what time I arrived my destination, how many drinks I had, the topics of our conversations, every person I said a word to, and what time I left my destination. I mean really?? Who the hell wants to live like that?

If there is that little trust then why in the hell are you with me? What is the point? When I go out and have a good time the last thing I want to do is come home and have to give a replay of my every word/move. When it gets to this point why bother coming home?

Something can happen on a Monday and he'll bring something about about it on Wednesday.. Seriously?!?!? Like really? You dwell on it and sit on it and run it through your head a million times to fight all over about it again days later. I don't understand it. Not only do I not understand it I don't want to live like that. I don't get people!

Well it has now hit that point where in our relationship where I've said over and over and over again to knock it off. To stop with the questions. To stop with the assumptions. I can't do this forever. I've come to that point where I can't stand coming home. I've reached that point where I do not want to be around him. It's sad when you feel like that.

I can tell him a story and somehow he'll spin it around to something I never said or did and then it's a fight. No matter what anymore it's a fight. I'm sick of the fighting. I'm sick of the arguing. God damn just hit me and shut up and I'll be happier than I am now!!

I always feel like he's upset, mad, sad or whatever. It's like all he does is think about what is wrong or what could be wrong. What I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what is running through my head. I've never felt so trapped in my life. I can't do or say anything without him needing to know. It's like I'm not aloud to have my own private thoughts without sharing them with him. I feel like I'm living in hell. What's sad is when we first started dating he knew EVERYTHING I went through with Dan. He knew how controlling he was. How he was always jealous. And then you turn out to be 10x as jealous as he was. He always says he doesn't understand how someone can walk around with a negative attitude and just can't go through life being happy. Well take a good look in the mirror because obviously that's you! When you constantly think negative thoughts about what I'm doing, or where I'm at or whatever that's be a damn hypocrite!!! I can see if I was at the bar 5 nights a week. But once.. Really?

I sit and try to talk to him. I really do. But it's pointless. I just CAN'T have a damn conversation with him if my life depended on it. I'll get about 5 words in and then he'll interrupt me. He'll either start with the damn questions again or start with the damn assumptions. And then it leads to a fight because I've tried to talk and obviously I can't so now at this point I'm frustrated, irritated and pissed to all hell!

I hate having this feeling all the time. This anxiety, this stress, hurt, upset, pissed, angry, resentment, this loneliness. I used to be able to talk to him, to have fun with him... Now it's so much work, and I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I always put everyone first. I work 2 jobs so everyone has stuff, we get to go out and do fun stuff, to put money up for the wedding. I work my ass of working a ton of hours. I'll go 6 months and never really go and do something for myself. So when it starts getting nice out and I start doing something for myself and getting out and having some time away with my best friend, it causes major problems. He doesn't even have to say it, I can see it.

When your with someone and you love them you should want them to be happy. Everyone needs time to themselves. I know I love my "me" time. Just because I make plans to go out and have fun with my friends doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. There is 14 years difference in age. So we might not exactly do the same things for fun. I choose to go to a bar and have drinks with friends, and you choose to go to a friends and watch the game. Ok? Fine! His thinking is because I'm going out on a certain night he needs to also. Ummm yeah why can't I go out on a Friday and you go that Saturday or a different day? Or just because I go out you have to in return go out? It's not a competition. It's life. People have friends and go out with them. I'm 27 years old. I want to go out and have fun.

You'd think after being through the same problems through 2 years shit would change. Yeah guess I was way off on that one!

I just need to be me. I want to be me. And I'm sick of having someone try and make me something I'm not. If you love me then you'll except it. If not then I'm not the right one for you. I'm at that point of being done. Not much more I'm willing to take.