Sunday, April 1, 2012
Pushed to the limit!
I just don't get it.
I really don't!
Ok well one thing I can't stand is someone who is OVERLY jealous! It kills relationships. I don't understand how someone can be so jealous to the point where it causes so many fights and arguments.
When you smother someone it doesn't make them want to be around you more. All it does is pushes them further and further away from you. It makes them resent you.
If I go out with my best friend and do not come home until 2:30 A.M then so be it. I went out, I had fun, get over it! If I came home at 4 in the morning, then you can be mad, ya know? Nope not in my house. If I go out once a week that is to much. I am a person not a damn object. All I would do if I stayed home would be sitting around the damn house. I guess excuse the hell outta me for wanting to hang out with my friends.
I can't stand to be in my own house and questioned like I'm at a damn police station. It gets old.... QUICK! You can only question someone so many times before that person eventually shuts down. You can only give the same damn answer so many times you start screaming it... Before it turns into a huge fight. Where things get said that probably shouldn't.
I'm sick of feeling like I live in a damn prison. I am so sick and tired of being questioned to death. It's like harassment! I shouldn't have to share what time I arrived my destination, how many drinks I had, the topics of our conversations, every person I said a word to, and what time I left my destination. I mean really?? Who the hell wants to live like that?
If there is that little trust then why in the hell are you with me? What is the point? When I go out and have a good time the last thing I want to do is come home and have to give a replay of my every word/move. When it gets to this point why bother coming home?
Something can happen on a Monday and he'll bring something about about it on Wednesday.. Seriously?!?!? Like really? You dwell on it and sit on it and run it through your head a million times to fight all over about it again days later. I don't understand it. Not only do I not understand it I don't want to live like that. I don't get people!
Well it has now hit that point where in our relationship where I've said over and over and over again to knock it off. To stop with the questions. To stop with the assumptions. I can't do this forever. I've come to that point where I can't stand coming home. I've reached that point where I do not want to be around him. It's sad when you feel like that.
I can tell him a story and somehow he'll spin it around to something I never said or did and then it's a fight. No matter what anymore it's a fight. I'm sick of the fighting. I'm sick of the arguing. God damn just hit me and shut up and I'll be happier than I am now!!
I always feel like he's upset, mad, sad or whatever. It's like all he does is think about what is wrong or what could be wrong. What I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what is running through my head. I've never felt so trapped in my life. I can't do or say anything without him needing to know. It's like I'm not aloud to have my own private thoughts without sharing them with him. I feel like I'm living in hell. What's sad is when we first started dating he knew EVERYTHING I went through with Dan. He knew how controlling he was. How he was always jealous. And then you turn out to be 10x as jealous as he was. He always says he doesn't understand how someone can walk around with a negative attitude and just can't go through life being happy. Well take a good look in the mirror because obviously that's you! When you constantly think negative thoughts about what I'm doing, or where I'm at or whatever that's be a damn hypocrite!!! I can see if I was at the bar 5 nights a week. But once.. Really?
I sit and try to talk to him. I really do. But it's pointless. I just CAN'T have a damn conversation with him if my life depended on it. I'll get about 5 words in and then he'll interrupt me. He'll either start with the damn questions again or start with the damn assumptions. And then it leads to a fight because I've tried to talk and obviously I can't so now at this point I'm frustrated, irritated and pissed to all hell!
I hate having this feeling all the time. This anxiety, this stress, hurt, upset, pissed, angry, resentment, this loneliness. I used to be able to talk to him, to have fun with him... Now it's so much work, and I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I always put everyone first. I work 2 jobs so everyone has stuff, we get to go out and do fun stuff, to put money up for the wedding. I work my ass of working a ton of hours. I'll go 6 months and never really go and do something for myself. So when it starts getting nice out and I start doing something for myself and getting out and having some time away with my best friend, it causes major problems. He doesn't even have to say it, I can see it.
When your with someone and you love them you should want them to be happy. Everyone needs time to themselves. I know I love my "me" time. Just because I make plans to go out and have fun with my friends doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. There is 14 years difference in age. So we might not exactly do the same things for fun. I choose to go to a bar and have drinks with friends, and you choose to go to a friends and watch the game. Ok? Fine! His thinking is because I'm going out on a certain night he needs to also. Ummm yeah why can't I go out on a Friday and you go that Saturday or a different day? Or just because I go out you have to in return go out? It's not a competition. It's life. People have friends and go out with them. I'm 27 years old. I want to go out and have fun.
You'd think after being through the same problems through 2 years shit would change. Yeah guess I was way off on that one!
I just need to be me. I want to be me. And I'm sick of having someone try and make me something I'm not. If you love me then you'll except it. If not then I'm not the right one for you. I'm at that point of being done. Not much more I'm willing to take.