Well it's out there, and everyone knows I cheated on Lee. I don't have an excuse because I should've left him before hand. I guess I just thought it was a rough patch. I was tired of working my life away while he was consistently at home unemployed and not searching for a good job. I felt more like an ATM than a wife. He didn't treat lucas right. He was always riding his ass and yelling at him. I thought he'd love to have a boy to throw the football around with. I mean he's a huge sports fan. But he didn't. He took excellent care of him responsibility wise,mane not saying that he didn't love him because I know he did. But he wasn't Lexi. And that's the difference. I wanted it to work, I did. But the more and more it went on with me working a million hours and missing everything with Lucas and seeing how he was being treated I grew closer to someone else. It wasn't intentional by any means and I never went looking to cheat, but I did.
We even stayed together for another year after he found out. It broke his heart and that crushed me, because honestly he never deserved that. We fought constantly. He told lucas about it even. He was 7 how do you do that?! He involved Lexi and Lucas into our fights. I tried to not be angry but I just resented him in so many ways I began to hate him and it showed. He wasn't there for me emotionally. No matter how hard I tried to get help with my depression I had no support. It made me mean and treat him like crap. Which again he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve how I was treating him. I think if I was properly diagnosed earlier I wouldn't have been like that. I feel bad for how I yelled at him all the time and just degraded him. I shouldn't have let it get that far. I just didn't know how to react to how I felt. So it got bad enough we split up. And honestly it was for the best. We wouldn't have made it for the long haul.
So I seen Don. He was always a great friend and I was always helping him with advice. I never really shared my problems with him, but I always let him talk it out with me. We got close when I started working a lot of hours and he was working with me non stop. We went to hang out, honestly that's all it was meant to be. Until he kissed me. And I never had that feeling before. Well things escalated from there. He was there for me in every way and always said he just wanted me to be happy. He even went to the point of telling me maybe Lee and I should try counceling and him and I just be friends. That he loved me and wanted for me to just be happy even if that meant ending what we had. But things just kept getting worse and worse at home and I knew it was over, he wasn't working so I felt bad and couldn't end it. I didn't think he had anywhere to go. Turns out he did. Since he ended up moving in with his brother.
Things still didn't get better. We fought even being separated. So many emotions just made it worse. Although after 3 months of waiting I finally got in to see the psychiatrist. That's when I was properly diagnosed. Bipolar ll, manic depressive, and anxiety disorder. He upped my antidepressants, my strattera, put me on mood stabilizers and switched me from regular Xanax to Xanax extended relief. What a huge difference it made. I had already gotten super skinny. I dropped weight fast. I wasn't eating due to all the stress and emotions I was feeling. I got under 140 lbs. my dr even said I was to thin.
I was doing much better after all the medicine changes but still had a lot of issues because of them. I couldn't sleep, I'd be up all night. My dr put me on FMLA and I was off work a lot. Don and I got serious. I already was in love with him and knew I wanted only him. But he feelings with Lee didn't just go away.
We got divorced. It's over. Besides a very few things we don't need to speak. Which we don't. I was bashed all over facebook by his family, his ex wife and himself. He put all of our business out there. I never did. I wasn't about to put all the things that went wrong out there. All the things that were problems for me with him. And I didn't. I do still love him and have feelings for him. I'm not over it. Which I'm sure is still causing depression issues with myself. I have dreams about him a lot and I don't know what they mean. It's not that I want to be with him because I don't. Just a lot of history there. I miss our friendship. There were plenty of good times. Not all was bad. He always could make me laugh no matter what. I knew he would always protect me. He's not a bad guy, he's just not the one for me. I hope he finds that someone.
I on the other hand have. Don supports me in every way. He's so patient and is absolutely amazing with lucas. Lucas loves him so much. He's so much happier. I've never seen my son as happy as he is now. Smile as much as he does. I don't have anger like I did before. Don and I don't fight. We get along so well and he understands what I go through daily fighting this illness. And he's there. He doesn't make me feel like shit because of it and understands it won't ever go away. I found the one for me. I'm happy. I have problems with depression still but I've learned how to handle things differently. I don't get upset easily like I did before. It's amazing how different I am. We balance each other out and it's the best feeling having that. I love treating him ways he's never been treated. It's sad the little things his ex never did. How selfish she was. I want to make him happy. Not just myself be happy.
Losing my job even though I had FMLA hit me hard. I got divorced. I was diagnosed with a more serious issue. My world changed in many ways but yet when it comes down to it I'm happy. We are happy. I wouldn't change much. Except my job part. Treating Lee the way I did and cheating on him. Hurting him like I did. I wish that all went down differently. I've learned from my mistakes. I wish nothing but the best for him and hope he finds his happiness like I did. He deserves it.
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