Saturday, June 27, 2015

Bucket List

My Bucket List


I thought long and hard about what I want to do before I die. Many people have one. I'd love to see what I can cross of my list through the years. I'm sure there are more but this is what I came up with so far.

  1. Own a jeep
  2. Swim with dolphins
  3. Ride in a hot air balloon
  4. Visit Niagra Falls
  5. Learn to play the drums
  6. Run a marathon
  7. Volunteer at animal shelter
  8. Take a helicopter ride
  9. Visit Disney world
  10. Visit Universal Studios
  11. Hiking in the Grand Canyon
  12. See Phantom of the Opera
  13. Visit Bush Gardens
  14. Go to the Bristol Night race
  15. Take a real photography course
  16. Go horseback riding
  17. Go zip lining
  18. Watch the sunset on the beach
  19. Take up kick boxing
  20. Take boxing classes
  21. Go to Las Vegas and see shows
  22. Own my own house
  23. Take a pottery class
  24. Take a cake decorating course
  25. Go on a cruise
  26. Explore caves
  27. Stand under a waterfall
  28. Visit Colorado Rocky Mountains in Colorado
  29. Go skiing
  30. Take a glass blowing class
  31. Visit mall of America
  32. Do a murder mystery train
  33. Ride a big ride at Cedar Point
  34. Go to Comicon
  35. Visit New York City
  36. Visit Chicago
  37. See a Cirque du Soleil show
  38. See Kenny Chesney in concert
  39. Stay in a cabin in the mountains
  40. Go to a winery/vineyard
  41. Go to a different NFL game stadium outside Ohio
  42. Dine at a VERY fancy resturant
  43. Go kayaking
  44. Do indoor rock climbing
  45. Go paint balling
  46. Drive the NASCAR experience
  47. Ride a camel
  48. Go tobogganing
  49. Vacation by car with no destination
  50. Stay at a bed and breakfast
  51. Visit France
  52. Visit the 911 site
  53. Visit Italy
  54. Plant a garden
  55. Go hunting
  56. Attend a rodeo
  57. Go to country concert (the festival)
  58. Own a jet ski
  59. See a NBA game
  60. See the Super Bowl live

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Happy this week!

Happy this week!

So this is something I need to start doing every week. With everything going on. Remembering things that have made me happy and thinking positive. Not concentrating on the negative and problems all the time. Remembering and looking back is therapeutic and helpful in reminding me why it's a big deal to keep my life going.

- I took lucas to the zoo and we had a blast. It was a gorgeous day and we Had so much fun. He was all smiles! All the animals were out and active. He even took his iPod so he could take his own pictures! We saw everything. His favorite was the wolf of course, the aquarium, the sloth bear, and sea otters. He didn't even ask for anything! Very good kid!.. On the was out he grabbed my hand as we were walking to the car and said, "I love you mommy" and gave me a big hug. Made my day!

- After the zoo I took Lucas to his dad's until Friday. Had my psychiatrist appointment. Upped 2 of my meds. So I decided to go get some healthy foods. I was low on fruit and veggies plus I needed some other healthy food for dinners. Came home took meds and had a bad headache since, and was wired! Finally fell asleep around 4! But watched a bunch of my new awesome show Scorpion on DVR and read! It was so nice being here alone!

- Yesterday's weather made me happy!! Gorgeous sunshine! No humidity and was finally able to shut off the A/C!

- Lucas and I were spoiled by a friend that bought us a new Wii U! Can't tell you how happy we are!!

- I got thin. 141 lbs. I'd like to tighten up and lose some of my baby belly. And my hips. But I'm feeling more comfortable and confident in my clothes now. A couple of my dresses are too big but the rest look really good! I don't want some perk saying crap to me but it does make me feel better about myself when I notice them looking. As long as they leave their perverted comments to themselves. Not interested!

- I did some awesome couponing! I got so much laundry soap, toilet paper, dishwasher tabs and more! It was awesome! I haven't been able to do that in awhile.

- Some of My shows are on again!! The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mistressses, Criminal Minds, and Devious Maids!!

- Lucas finally put his $100 big lego city swamp police set for his birthday together. He sat there quiet while watching Teen Titans Go building his set. He was so good and took him about 2 hours. It was amazing and he did a great job!











- I took Lucas to see Jurassic World on Tuesday. He was in heaven! He's obsessed with Jurassic Park movies, the toys, the new Xbox game I got him and dinosaurs period! GREAT movie. Actually my favorite of the 4!

- I FINALLY found the Chucks I wanted!!! Been looking for my size in the light turquoise for so long and I found them at Kohls on sale for $30!! Saved me $25. And I got another pair of tall boots like my other ones just different color. $80 boots for $20! Look how beautiful they are!?

- Finally my book came out. I was so excited to get it and start it. Grey! The new Fifty Shades Series book told from Christians point of view. I also picked up a few other books that I've been wanting to read. I've been reading like crazy. Book stores are my sanctuary. and I had a really bad day and needed to forget for awhile.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Every day I wake up fighting and every night I fall asleep fighting. Myself. My head. My demons. I hate this continuous fight every. Single. Day. I hate how I feel. All these feelings and thoughts that never go away, just burrow deep inside me. I can have the best day and all of a sudden it will creep up on me slowly out of nowhere and BAM! Hits me. I hate the anger that comes with it. I have learned to have a better grasp at controlling it but it still does come out sometimes. Being tired all the time. Struggle to make myself stay awake so I can spend time with lucas and play with him. I hate that my marriage went to hell. I hate choices I've made. I wish he knew what I was truly going through. I wish he understood what goes on in my head. How sorry I am. How I never wanted everything to end up like this. I want to feel Normal. What I would give to be hAppy. All I do anymore is cry. I have no desire to do anything. I slept for like 20 hours so I was out late at my friends boyfriends with them, we stopped drinking. I was so close to canceling on her but I'm glad I didn't. It was good for me to get out with my friends. I'm alone all the time which I read isn't good for someone with my issues to be alone as much as I am because it gives me more time to think bad thoughts. I don't want to end my life but I know I can't go on like this forever. I'm miserable. It's endless. I try so hard to not think negatively. But it's so hard when all you have is yourself. I just want to go back 3 years. Back when I wasn't struggling as bad as I am now. Back when I was happier. Back before I fucked everything up. I hate myself.