Thursday, September 25, 2014

A daydreamer

Im a dreamer. I over think. AND it drives me crazy!! All I do all day every day is think. And think some more. And then when I think I'm done, NOPE! I think some more.

I'm not talking about just using my brain and thinking like a normal person. No, see that would be easy. And nothing is easy for me. I am far from normal. I can over think any situation. When I want something or plan something or something is going on I will play it out in my head in just about any and every way mentally possible. Then I confuse myself to holy hell!

I like that I play out things in my head but as much as I do all it does is wear me out. When I'm at work I have more than enough time on my hands where I can drift away off into that little land that I wonder off to and think. It won't even be anything big and it will eat at me because I'll replay it in every way possible. Not that I over analyze because I don't, it's different. It can be from what I'm wearing for an event to how I am planning Lucas's birthday that can be months and months away to whatever situation I'm in or what will happen in the future. It doesn't matter what it is, I think about it. Shopping, relationships, parenting, the future, dinner plans, shopping lists, you name it.!

I just want more than anything to turn my mind off at times. It's goes along with my depression I think. Because when I'm depressed it's so much worse.

I wish I could just figure this stuff out and stop spending every waking moment thinking about it! Pick a path and go.

I think if maybe I had more of a life I wouldn't day dream as often as I do. If I had more besides working my life away and coming home doing dinner and Lucas school stuff, etc. Maybe doing things more that I enjoy for myself like I used to. Last summer I still did stuff I enjoyed. I used to exercise regularly, bake, try all these new recipes, (god I used to love to cook!), smash book, hell read! It takes me forever to get through a Book now :( , running, shooting my bow going out for some drinks with my friends. I don't do any of that anymore.

Where did I go? I used to work, do all the kid stuff, mom stuff and still find time to be me... What happened? I've lost who I was, I don't even know anymore.