Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Review: Dove dry antiperspirant

I was sent both men and women's Dove dry antiperspirant to try for free and review. For only $5.49 at Target for a can goes along way! You don't need to spray on much and it smells so good! This was my first time using spray deodorant. I expected it to feel all wet and leave a damp look or feeling under my arms and on my clothes. I can't say for others but with Dove I didn't get that at all. It was instantly dry. I would recommend this to all my friends and family. My husband also loves his free can. He said he loves how he doesn't have that wet feeling like the gel deoderant or the clumpy feeling like you get with the white solid deoderant. I honestly don't have anything negative to say about this product.! Get out there and try it!




Tuesday, January 5, 2016

100% life change

Well it's out there, and everyone knows I cheated on Lee. I don't have an excuse because I should've left him before hand. I guess I just thought it was a rough patch. I was tired of working my life away while he was consistently at home unemployed and not searching for a good job. I felt more like an ATM than a wife. He didn't treat lucas right. He was always riding his ass and yelling at him. I thought he'd love to have a boy to throw the football around with. I mean he's a huge sports fan. But he didn't. He took excellent care of him responsibility wise,mane not saying that he didn't love him because I know he did. But he wasn't Lexi. And that's the difference. I wanted it to work, I did. But the more and more it went on with me working a million hours and missing everything with Lucas and seeing how he was being treated I grew closer to someone else. It wasn't intentional by any means and I never went looking to cheat, but I did.

We even stayed together for another year after he found out. It broke his heart and that crushed me, because honestly he never deserved that. We fought constantly. He told lucas about it even. He was 7 how do you do that?! He involved Lexi and Lucas into our fights. I tried to not be angry but I just resented him in so many ways I began to hate him and it showed. He wasn't there for me emotionally. No matter how hard I tried to get help with my depression I had no support. It made me mean and treat him like crap. Which again he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve how I was treating him. I think if I was properly diagnosed earlier I wouldn't have been like that. I feel bad for how I yelled at him all the time and just degraded him. I shouldn't have let it get that far. I just didn't know how to react to how I felt. So it got bad enough we split up. And honestly it was for the best. We wouldn't have made it for the long haul.

So I seen Don. He was always a great friend and I was always helping him with advice. I never really shared my problems with him, but I always let him talk it out with me. We got close when I started working a lot of hours and he was working with me non stop. We went to hang out, honestly that's all it was meant to be. Until he kissed me. And I never had that feeling before. Well things escalated from there. He was there for me in every way and always said he just wanted me to be happy. He even went to the point of telling me maybe Lee and I should try counceling and him and I just be friends. That he loved me and wanted for me to just be happy even if that meant ending what we had. But things just kept getting worse and worse at home and I knew it was over, he wasn't working so I felt bad and couldn't end it. I didn't think he had anywhere to go. Turns out he did. Since he ended up moving in with his brother.

Things still didn't get better. We fought even being separated. So many emotions just made it worse. Although after 3 months of waiting I finally got in to see the psychiatrist. That's when I was properly diagnosed. Bipolar ll, manic depressive, and anxiety disorder. He upped my antidepressants, my strattera, put me on mood stabilizers and switched me from regular Xanax to Xanax extended relief. What a huge difference it made. I had already gotten super skinny. I dropped weight fast. I wasn't eating due to all the stress and emotions I was feeling. I got under 140 lbs. my dr even said I was to thin.

I was doing much better after all the medicine changes but still had a lot of issues because of them. I couldn't sleep, I'd be up all night. My dr put me on FMLA and I was off work a lot. Don and I got serious. I already was in love with him and knew I wanted only him. But he feelings with Lee didn't just go away.

We got divorced. It's over. Besides a very few things we don't need to speak. Which we don't. I was bashed all over facebook by his family, his ex wife and himself. He put all of our business out there. I never did. I wasn't about to put all the things that went wrong out there. All the things that were problems for me with him. And I didn't. I do still love him and have feelings for him. I'm not over it. Which I'm sure is still causing depression issues with myself. I have dreams about him a lot and I don't know what they mean. It's not that I want to be with him because I don't. Just a lot of history there. I miss our friendship. There were plenty of good times. Not all was bad. He always could make me laugh no matter what. I knew he would always protect me. He's not a bad guy, he's just not the one for me. I hope he finds that someone.

I on the other hand have. Don supports me in every way. He's so patient and is absolutely amazing with lucas. Lucas loves him so much. He's so much happier. I've never seen my son as happy as he is now. Smile as much as he does. I don't have anger like I did before. Don and I don't fight. We get along so well and he understands what I go through daily fighting this illness. And he's there. He doesn't make me feel like shit because of it and understands it won't ever go away. I found the one for me. I'm happy. I have problems with depression still but I've learned how to handle things differently. I don't get upset easily like I did before. It's amazing how different I am. We balance each other out and it's the best feeling having that. I love treating him ways he's never been treated. It's sad the little things his ex never did. How selfish she was. I want to make him happy. Not just myself be happy.

Losing my job even though I had FMLA hit me hard. I got divorced. I was diagnosed with a more serious issue. My world changed in many ways but yet when it comes down to it I'm happy. We are happy. I wouldn't change much. Except my job part. Treating Lee the way I did and cheating on him. Hurting him like I did. I wish that all went down differently. I've learned from my mistakes. I wish nothing but the best for him and hope he finds his happiness like I did. He deserves it.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Bucket List

My Bucket List


I thought long and hard about what I want to do before I die. Many people have one. I'd love to see what I can cross of my list through the years. I'm sure there are more but this is what I came up with so far.

  1. Own a jeep
  2. Swim with dolphins
  3. Ride in a hot air balloon
  4. Visit Niagra Falls
  5. Learn to play the drums
  6. Run a marathon
  7. Volunteer at animal shelter
  8. Take a helicopter ride
  9. Visit Disney world
  10. Visit Universal Studios
  11. Hiking in the Grand Canyon
  12. See Phantom of the Opera
  13. Visit Bush Gardens
  14. Go to the Bristol Night race
  15. Take a real photography course
  16. Go horseback riding
  17. Go zip lining
  18. Watch the sunset on the beach
  19. Take up kick boxing
  20. Take boxing classes
  21. Go to Las Vegas and see shows
  22. Own my own house
  23. Take a pottery class
  24. Take a cake decorating course
  25. Go on a cruise
  26. Explore caves
  27. Stand under a waterfall
  28. Visit Colorado Rocky Mountains in Colorado
  29. Go skiing
  30. Take a glass blowing class
  31. Visit mall of America
  32. Do a murder mystery train
  33. Ride a big ride at Cedar Point
  34. Go to Comicon
  35. Visit New York City
  36. Visit Chicago
  37. See a Cirque du Soleil show
  38. See Kenny Chesney in concert
  39. Stay in a cabin in the mountains
  40. Go to a winery/vineyard
  41. Go to a different NFL game stadium outside Ohio
  42. Dine at a VERY fancy resturant
  43. Go kayaking
  44. Do indoor rock climbing
  45. Go paint balling
  46. Drive the NASCAR experience
  47. Ride a camel
  48. Go tobogganing
  49. Vacation by car with no destination
  50. Stay at a bed and breakfast
  51. Visit France
  52. Visit the 911 site
  53. Visit Italy
  54. Plant a garden
  55. Go hunting
  56. Attend a rodeo
  57. Go to country concert (the festival)
  58. Own a jet ski
  59. See a NBA game
  60. See the Super Bowl live

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Happy this week!

Happy this week!

So this is something I need to start doing every week. With everything going on. Remembering things that have made me happy and thinking positive. Not concentrating on the negative and problems all the time. Remembering and looking back is therapeutic and helpful in reminding me why it's a big deal to keep my life going.

- I took lucas to the zoo and we had a blast. It was a gorgeous day and we Had so much fun. He was all smiles! All the animals were out and active. He even took his iPod so he could take his own pictures! We saw everything. His favorite was the wolf of course, the aquarium, the sloth bear, and sea otters. He didn't even ask for anything! Very good kid!.. On the was out he grabbed my hand as we were walking to the car and said, "I love you mommy" and gave me a big hug. Made my day!

- After the zoo I took Lucas to his dad's until Friday. Had my psychiatrist appointment. Upped 2 of my meds. So I decided to go get some healthy foods. I was low on fruit and veggies plus I needed some other healthy food for dinners. Came home took meds and had a bad headache since, and was wired! Finally fell asleep around 4! But watched a bunch of my new awesome show Scorpion on DVR and read! It was so nice being here alone!

- Yesterday's weather made me happy!! Gorgeous sunshine! No humidity and was finally able to shut off the A/C!

- Lucas and I were spoiled by a friend that bought us a new Wii U! Can't tell you how happy we are!!

- I got thin. 141 lbs. I'd like to tighten up and lose some of my baby belly. And my hips. But I'm feeling more comfortable and confident in my clothes now. A couple of my dresses are too big but the rest look really good! I don't want some perk saying crap to me but it does make me feel better about myself when I notice them looking. As long as they leave their perverted comments to themselves. Not interested!

- I did some awesome couponing! I got so much laundry soap, toilet paper, dishwasher tabs and more! It was awesome! I haven't been able to do that in awhile.

- Some of My shows are on again!! The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mistressses, Criminal Minds, and Devious Maids!!

- Lucas finally put his $100 big lego city swamp police set for his birthday together. He sat there quiet while watching Teen Titans Go building his set. He was so good and took him about 2 hours. It was amazing and he did a great job!











- I took Lucas to see Jurassic World on Tuesday. He was in heaven! He's obsessed with Jurassic Park movies, the toys, the new Xbox game I got him and dinosaurs period! GREAT movie. Actually my favorite of the 4!

- I FINALLY found the Chucks I wanted!!! Been looking for my size in the light turquoise for so long and I found them at Kohls on sale for $30!! Saved me $25. And I got another pair of tall boots like my other ones just different color. $80 boots for $20! Look how beautiful they are!?

- Finally my book came out. I was so excited to get it and start it. Grey! The new Fifty Shades Series book told from Christians point of view. I also picked up a few other books that I've been wanting to read. I've been reading like crazy. Book stores are my sanctuary. and I had a really bad day and needed to forget for awhile.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Every day I wake up fighting and every night I fall asleep fighting. Myself. My head. My demons. I hate this continuous fight every. Single. Day. I hate how I feel. All these feelings and thoughts that never go away, just burrow deep inside me. I can have the best day and all of a sudden it will creep up on me slowly out of nowhere and BAM! Hits me. I hate the anger that comes with it. I have learned to have a better grasp at controlling it but it still does come out sometimes. Being tired all the time. Struggle to make myself stay awake so I can spend time with lucas and play with him. I hate that my marriage went to hell. I hate choices I've made. I wish he knew what I was truly going through. I wish he understood what goes on in my head. How sorry I am. How I never wanted everything to end up like this. I want to feel Normal. What I would give to be hAppy. All I do anymore is cry. I have no desire to do anything. I slept for like 20 hours so I was out late at my friends boyfriends with them, we stopped drinking. I was so close to canceling on her but I'm glad I didn't. It was good for me to get out with my friends. I'm alone all the time which I read isn't good for someone with my issues to be alone as much as I am because it gives me more time to think bad thoughts. I don't want to end my life but I know I can't go on like this forever. I'm miserable. It's endless. I try so hard to not think negatively. But it's so hard when all you have is yourself. I just want to go back 3 years. Back when I wasn't struggling as bad as I am now. Back when I was happier. Back before I fucked everything up. I hate myself.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Can't escape



I've recently hit rock bottom with my depression and anxiety. Never have I ever felt this horrible or lost or miserable. For months I could slowly feel myself getting worse and worse, Myself going deeper and deeper into a black whole. I started crying myself to sleep more than ever, when taking a hot bath to relax I find myself just sitting there holding my legs in a ball and I just cry and cry. Lee would knock on the door making sure I didn't fall asleep, little did he know I was in there losing it. I cry on the way to and from work. Basically I cry whenever I'm alone. I'm not the type of girl who can cry and just let it out easily in front of others. I don't like people seeing me at my worst, or that I'm not as strong as I let on.

Finally after crying for an hour in the bathtub when I got out I sat on the edge of the bed in a towel and yelled for Lee to come upstairs. I just started bawling. He had no idea what was going on. I told him I think I should go to rescue crisis. If feeling like this everyday was going to continue then it don't want to live. Lucas luckily is a reason to love for. But I see why people end their life, I honestly do. What's the point of living if your going to be miserable everyday. It's a horrible feeling to feel this way.

Been seeing a dr. He's upped my Xanax quite a bit. 4x what I was on before and changed my antidepressant. Although it's not helping much. Maybe some but not enough. Going once a week so he can monitor my blood pressure and see if my meds are improving. Well they aren't. I need either to have them upped or a different medicine. He gave me a psychologist number to call and set up an appointment but with all my dr appointments going on and dentist appointments I have to wait.

I just want to feel normal. To be happy. That's not asking a lot. But I just can't get there. All I want to do is just lay in bed curled up under the covers. I haven't been able to take my meds the last two days and man can I feel it. I'm so much worse without medicine. Atleast it helps some, it's better than not at all. I'm so emotional. I want to cry and run away. I want to not feel this way.


It's hard because when you don't battle depression yourself it's hard to understand. Depression is hard on a relationship. The other person has to pick up a lot of slack on days when you can't get out of bed or can't get off the couch because how horrible you feel. You push people away. I know I do. The worse I feel the more I push people away. I don't know if it's because I don't want them to see me at my worst or because I don't want to hurt them or both or what. When I feel like I do today I am not the nicest person to be around. Especially to ones I care about. I push them away, I'm snappy and bitchy. I intentionally don't want to hurt them. I guess maybe that's why it's best I stay to myself so I don't. I don't want to do that to someone.
This is exactly how I've been lately.


This is totally how I feel. I'm never happy but I have days where I'm not as bad as others. This is what's so hard. I can't ever be happy just not as down as other days.













It's hard to explain how I feel. Which is why I'm hoping going to therapy will help me. Maybe it'll be easier talking to someone who has an idea of what's going on. Although they might understand they still won't know how it feels if they don't personally battle it themselves.


Sleeping helps get through the day because I don't feel anything. But sometimes all I want to do is sleep and I just lay there and stay at the tv without being able to sleep whatsoever. I hate depending on medicine to get me to be able to get atleast two hours of sleep.

Amen!!!!! It's so hard trying to get someone to understand the battle I deal with every day. It's so hard for them to understand this isn't a choice, how I act or feel isn't optional or controllable. I wish everyday I could be different. That I could feel different.



This is what means the most. A simple hug. Being held. Not speaking and trying to say something that you don't understand. Just holding me and saying your here and meaning it.




Just trying to get through the day is more exhausting that working a 12 hour shift. It takes so much just to try and be normal. To try and not take it out on others. To make yourself get out of bed, to do normal everyday activities. To just remember to smile and laugh so you don't look stupid or out of place. It's exhausting.




I'm always saying I'm fine. I'm not, but people don't want to hear the truth. And I get tired of saying no.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Feeling lost

This is the worst I've ever felt with battling depression. I've never hit this point of wondering what the point of living is. The only thing that gets me through the day is Lucas. If it wasn't for him I can't say what would happen to me. I go through everyday feeling so lost. Not really "here". I find myself not enjoying much of anything anymore. I used to read so much. I loved reading, couldn't get enough. Now it feels like a chore. I'm on the same book I've been reading for months. It's even by my favorite author, yet I can't seem to want to read more than a couple pages every few days. I don't enjoy my time with Lucas doing fun activities and going to do all the fun activities away like I used to.

Today as I sit in the bath tub the thought crossed my mind to actually go and get help now. I'm scared with how I feel. This isn't normal or healthy. Just to go check myself in somewhere and get better. But I can't afford to miss work. So what am I going to do? Continue going to work everyday coming home feeling like this until I can't anymore.

I want to know why I feel like this. Why do I have to hurt so bad everyday. To fight so hard to feel the slightest bit of happiness.

I just want this pain to end....

To feel normal.

To be happy.

Not have my heart race all day.

Have my mind be calm.

To be positive.

Not hurt.


I wish I could just take a magic pill and have all these negative feelings and thoughts that consume my body just disappear for good.