Friday, November 21, 2014

Can't escape



I've recently hit rock bottom with my depression and anxiety. Never have I ever felt this horrible or lost or miserable. For months I could slowly feel myself getting worse and worse, Myself going deeper and deeper into a black whole. I started crying myself to sleep more than ever, when taking a hot bath to relax I find myself just sitting there holding my legs in a ball and I just cry and cry. Lee would knock on the door making sure I didn't fall asleep, little did he know I was in there losing it. I cry on the way to and from work. Basically I cry whenever I'm alone. I'm not the type of girl who can cry and just let it out easily in front of others. I don't like people seeing me at my worst, or that I'm not as strong as I let on.

Finally after crying for an hour in the bathtub when I got out I sat on the edge of the bed in a towel and yelled for Lee to come upstairs. I just started bawling. He had no idea what was going on. I told him I think I should go to rescue crisis. If feeling like this everyday was going to continue then it don't want to live. Lucas luckily is a reason to love for. But I see why people end their life, I honestly do. What's the point of living if your going to be miserable everyday. It's a horrible feeling to feel this way.

Been seeing a dr. He's upped my Xanax quite a bit. 4x what I was on before and changed my antidepressant. Although it's not helping much. Maybe some but not enough. Going once a week so he can monitor my blood pressure and see if my meds are improving. Well they aren't. I need either to have them upped or a different medicine. He gave me a psychologist number to call and set up an appointment but with all my dr appointments going on and dentist appointments I have to wait.

I just want to feel normal. To be happy. That's not asking a lot. But I just can't get there. All I want to do is just lay in bed curled up under the covers. I haven't been able to take my meds the last two days and man can I feel it. I'm so much worse without medicine. Atleast it helps some, it's better than not at all. I'm so emotional. I want to cry and run away. I want to not feel this way.


It's hard because when you don't battle depression yourself it's hard to understand. Depression is hard on a relationship. The other person has to pick up a lot of slack on days when you can't get out of bed or can't get off the couch because how horrible you feel. You push people away. I know I do. The worse I feel the more I push people away. I don't know if it's because I don't want them to see me at my worst or because I don't want to hurt them or both or what. When I feel like I do today I am not the nicest person to be around. Especially to ones I care about. I push them away, I'm snappy and bitchy. I intentionally don't want to hurt them. I guess maybe that's why it's best I stay to myself so I don't. I don't want to do that to someone.
This is exactly how I've been lately.


This is totally how I feel. I'm never happy but I have days where I'm not as bad as others. This is what's so hard. I can't ever be happy just not as down as other days.













It's hard to explain how I feel. Which is why I'm hoping going to therapy will help me. Maybe it'll be easier talking to someone who has an idea of what's going on. Although they might understand they still won't know how it feels if they don't personally battle it themselves.


Sleeping helps get through the day because I don't feel anything. But sometimes all I want to do is sleep and I just lay there and stay at the tv without being able to sleep whatsoever. I hate depending on medicine to get me to be able to get atleast two hours of sleep.

Amen!!!!! It's so hard trying to get someone to understand the battle I deal with every day. It's so hard for them to understand this isn't a choice, how I act or feel isn't optional or controllable. I wish everyday I could be different. That I could feel different.



This is what means the most. A simple hug. Being held. Not speaking and trying to say something that you don't understand. Just holding me and saying your here and meaning it.




Just trying to get through the day is more exhausting that working a 12 hour shift. It takes so much just to try and be normal. To try and not take it out on others. To make yourself get out of bed, to do normal everyday activities. To just remember to smile and laugh so you don't look stupid or out of place. It's exhausting.




I'm always saying I'm fine. I'm not, but people don't want to hear the truth. And I get tired of saying no.


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