Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Feeling lost

This is the worst I've ever felt with battling depression. I've never hit this point of wondering what the point of living is. The only thing that gets me through the day is Lucas. If it wasn't for him I can't say what would happen to me. I go through everyday feeling so lost. Not really "here". I find myself not enjoying much of anything anymore. I used to read so much. I loved reading, couldn't get enough. Now it feels like a chore. I'm on the same book I've been reading for months. It's even by my favorite author, yet I can't seem to want to read more than a couple pages every few days. I don't enjoy my time with Lucas doing fun activities and going to do all the fun activities away like I used to.

Today as I sit in the bath tub the thought crossed my mind to actually go and get help now. I'm scared with how I feel. This isn't normal or healthy. Just to go check myself in somewhere and get better. But I can't afford to miss work. So what am I going to do? Continue going to work everyday coming home feeling like this until I can't anymore.

I want to know why I feel like this. Why do I have to hurt so bad everyday. To fight so hard to feel the slightest bit of happiness.

I just want this pain to end....

To feel normal.

To be happy.

Not have my heart race all day.

Have my mind be calm.

To be positive.

Not hurt.


I wish I could just take a magic pill and have all these negative feelings and thoughts that consume my body just disappear for good.

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