Monday, April 9, 2012


Ever have one of those days where you want to stay in bed all day, because your so down? Yeah I'm sure that I'm not the only one there. Today I just should have taken a bunch of sleeping pills and slept all day and night. But then again I'm sure I'd feel the same way I feel right now, but tomorrow. Ugh!

My mind is racing today. I can't seem to focus. I'm upset, sad, angry, hurt, curious, distant, cautious, confused, helpless, lost, skeptical, uneasy, frustrated, hesitant, vulnerable, alone, restless... I'm sure I could continue. Today is definitely NOT my day! Well really it hasn't been my weekend!..

It's like I really don't have a lot to bitch about. I do not have it as bad as many other people out there. My parents are alive (although I wouldn't exactly call them parents) but they are here, I have my son, a full time job (and a part time job) I have food, a roof over my head. I dealt with much worse myself.

It's just sometimes shit hits me and it hurts. I went through worse just being with Dan. Maybe that's why right now I'm so confused? I don't know. When I left him I felt like my world was turned upside down. I mean it was. I was now a single mom, who had just been recently laid off (for 6 months) he took my car, I had to move home, and fight for custody. He treated me like shit, he may not have put his hands on me anymore but the mind games continued. The shit still exsisted.

Now it's like I'm just fed up. I don't want to go through what I went through before. I can only deal with so much before I just don't give a shit anymore. This weekend I hit my breaking point. I never ever would've thought he would've pulled the shit he did. He's WAY more jealous that Dan. He's more jealous than anyone else I know. And how in the hell do I end up being the bad guy in all this?

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.
I just want to hit him so hard right now that I can't even put it into words.
I want to just go off and never stop. (but I'm biting my tongue)
I want to hit him upside his head and maybe knock some sense into his thick ass skull and maybe just MAYBE he will GET IT!! But I do not see that happening. He's sooooo clueless about it all. He seriously feels he did nothing wrong.

In his families eyes I'm the bad guy. How is that? I have no clue. And I don't give a shit anymore either.

It's like I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel alone. I know I'm not. I always have Mandy for one. But, I don't really think anyone can make me feel better. Or knock this depressed feeling out of me. It's not that I'm depressed because of him. I can't really explain it. It's sad when I'm really not to surprised that he did something this dumb. He already has done everything else so what else was to come next. I figured following me or showing up. No it was calling. Dumb ass!

I really don't like being unsure about myself. I don't like having feelings for someone else.

I hate that wanting feeling.
Why the hell do I have that?
How could I have that?

I like the wall. I want the wall. I don't like letting people in because of this feeling. I want to back off. Let it go away. Die down. And then who knows. But this feeling? Ugh! Never really saw this coming! Completely blind sided me.

Today everyone could tell I was not myself. Super tired and staring blankly into space. "You ok?" everyone kept asking. Am I? Yeah I am. Do I feel it? I just feel different. Not myself. Lost. I'm usually a pretty big goof ball at work. I wasn't even listening to my IPOD, just was there. I guess the very little sleep I've had in the past 3 nights has caught up to me. And well my thoughts.

I know I need sleep. I haven't slept much this weekend at all. I'm headed towards being a walking zombie. I can't shut my mind of during the day and it stills is going strong through the night.

Yeah this post... Way out there and all over the place. Nice random sentences. OH well. That's how I feel I guess. Wish I could REALLY express how I feel, but I don't even know how that is. I'll get over it, and be my happy goofy self again in no time. I just wish it would hurry up. This front I'm putting on isn't working very well. I can only put on that smile and pretend so long.

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