I get sick of assumptions. "Your acting different" ... "Something's wrong"... Yes something is wrong, and I shouldn't have to always explain how I feel. It drives me crazy! I can't explain it to myself let alone to someone else. After so long you would think it's known. I have depression. I go through spells. I can't control it anymore than someone else can. It's not like I wake up saying today I'm going to be depressed and distant and keep to myself. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
I hate feeling this way. The unknown feelings. The feeling that I want to get up and go do something but would rather just lay in bed alone. I want to feel normal. I'd love to shit my brain off for a whole day. It just doesn't work that way. There isn't a specific reason I'm depressed. It's not what someone did or hasn't done. It's just me. It's my screwed up brain.
I lay in bed wanting to do something. I have a million things I want to do or get done or make or create or watch or read. But despite all of that, I do nothing. It's not that I don't have the energy it's because I just don't care to. It's easier to lay there and dream. Dream of what I'd rather being doing, because I just can't get myself up to do it. That's depression. I have to deal with it every day. It's a constant battle. It's not something I choose, it chose me. I'm plenty medicated. It just doesn't always seem to work.
If I could change one thing about myself besides my constant unhappiness with my body it would be my daily battle with depression. People who don't have it don't understand it. I'm not saying being on the opposite end of it is easy when you are dealing with someone who is battling it, but try being the person who actually is. It effects your everyday life. Work, social life, relationships, parenthood, daily activities, eating, everything.
The sad thing Is I feel like I let Lucas down everyday. I look at him and can tell he is already showing symptoms and signs of depression. He doesn't smile nearly as much as most kids do. It's hard to get that smile out. Just like me. I want more than anything to not have him grow up feeling the way I feel. No matter how much I do ith him or smother him with love it won't change that.
When its nice out and the sun is shining bright, it helps my mood some. When it's dreary and cold it makes me feel the same way. The weather can play a role in your depression also.
I'm the type of person that needs to be kept busy. The more downtime I have the more I have time to think, and to over think. I get worn out by working so much and running around with every day stuff but it's better for me to be like that than to not. Ive been down almost a week, off work in pain with my back. Do I think that's playing a role in my mood right now? Hell yes! I have to much time on my hands which means I have no clue how to fill it. See I also have ADHD so my attention span is shit. Next to me I have my phone, iPod, iPad (which I'm currently on) and my book. I keep bouncing from one to the other. Texting, playing games, Pintrest, reading, searching the web, and watching Lucas and his friend play video games. Lol.
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