Trust

Trust doesn't just come naturally to me anymore. I used to have this heart that just let everyone in. I used to trust everyone. Which in return I got burned, bad.

Most of my trust issues are of course because of the hell I went through with the ex. The one person I should have been able to trust the most was the one who hurt me the most. I put everything all out there to just get lies and hurt in return.

Since I left I have had a hard time with trusting people. I'm not just saying trust in a relationship either. I don't really trust people period. It's not getting any easier to trust someone with feelings or whats on my mind either. It seems like the more I start to open up, someone makes me regret it and I in return shield myself once again.

The other day I was in my own little world at work. Had my Ipod in just listening to music, keeping to myself and being quiet. I had a lot on my mind. When I'm at work I seem to be able to tune the world out more easily and think. I was thinking about trust which is why I'm writing about it now. (well technically typing lol) I was just standing there thinking how you really can't trust anyone.

There is not one person I can honestly say I really trust. It's like when I open up and say something personal I regret it almost instantly. I have one person I share most things with and that is about the closest person I have to me. He's probably the one person that keeps things to himself when I share them. Who does care. When I'm having a bad he says "babe when your having a bad day, it makes me have a bad day cause your my best friend" and that's all he is, is a friend.

I have plenty of friends I talk to and hang out with. I have a best friend of course. But do I trust any of them with everything? Do I trust them with my feelings, problems, or secrets? No.

Recently I was looking out for someone who was hurt and upset. This person was going through problems and I was giving my best advice to help. I wasn't looking out for anyone but them. They ended up sharing this with the person they were having problems with once things were better. Well I learned my lesson on that one. Don't come to me for advice if you are going to just try and use it against me. I mean nothing I said was bad or anything, it's just the point. You obviously came to me for advice and someone to talk with. So don't burn your bridges. At some point your going to need it again and I'm not going to be there. When someone gives you advice and is there for you, don't put them out on front street. That's how you end up with no one.

I used to be able to talk with my mom about everything. I went to her every time I was upset, hurt or just needed someone to talk with and vent to. Something changed. I can't seem to connect with my mom on any level anymore. That hurts. She was not only my mom but she was my best friend. Now we barely have a regular conversation. Our conversation consists of what time she needs to be here in the morning to take Lucas to school. When I talk to her about something it's like she's annoyed and just tells me "well you better figure it out" OK well DUH! But really mom? If I talk to her about anything anymore she's negative. One thing she doesn't understand anything I go through. She's been married to my father for like 26 years. She never had to go through the custody battle, the split, the problems I go through with Lucas because of it, the relationship with 2 different families. It's not easy. And she just DOESN'T get it!

At one point during the custody battle it was getting pretty bad. The ex was lying pretty bad about me (which the guardian knew was a lie on proof thank god!) but the courts weren't really doing what they should have been doing. They seemed to be letting him get away with murder and I was the good mom who was innocent and paying for it. My mom said "If that was me I wouldn't even do it anymore, I couldn't go through that forever, I'd just stop fighting and hand you over to him" WHAT??? REALLY?!?!?! That's your advice? That's you supporting me when I'm FIGHTING for my son? Yeah that's what I'm talking about!

So the few people I did confide everything with, aren't there anymore. I'm so used to not having someone "really" there. I have friends of course. But I'm used to being let down. I'm used to it. And to be honest this wall I have up is just getting stronger and stronger. Eventually it will be impossible to come down. But I think I'd rather have it that way. I still get my feelings hurt from people. But hopefully that won't be like that much longer. I'm sick of being there for everyone. I'm sick of giving advice, for listening to someones problems, for being there when they need someone, and when I need someone, no one being there.