Review: Dove dry antiperspirant

I was sent both men and women's Dove dry antiperspirant to try for free and review. For only $5.49 at Target for a can goes along way! You don't need to spray on much and it smells so good! This was my first time using spray deodorant. I expected it to feel all wet and leave a damp look or feeling under my arms and on my clothes. I can't say for others but with Dove I didn't get that at all. It was instantly dry. I would recommend this to all my friends and family. My husband also loves his free can. He said he loves how he doesn't have that wet feeling like the gel deoderant or the clumpy feeling like you get with the white solid deoderant. I honestly don't have anything negative to say about this product.! Get out there and try it!

 

 

 

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100% life change

Well it's out there, and everyone knows I cheated on Lee. I don't have an excuse because I should've left him before hand. I guess I just thought it was a rough patch. I was tired of working my life away while he was consistently at home unemployed and not searching for a good job. I felt more like an ATM than a wife. He didn't treat lucas right. He was always riding his ass and yelling at him. I thought he'd love to have a boy to throw the football around with. I mean he's a huge sports fan. But he didn't. He took excellent care of him responsibility wise,mane not saying that he didn't love him because I know he did. But he wasn't Lexi. And that's the difference. I wanted it to work, I did. But the more and more it went on with me working a million hours and missing everything with Lucas and seeing how he was being treated I grew closer to someone else. It wasn't intentional by any means and I never went looking to cheat, but I did.

We even stayed together for another year after he found out. It broke his heart and that crushed me, because honestly he never deserved that. We fought constantly. He told lucas about it even. He was 7 how do you do that?! He involved Lexi and Lucas into our fights. I tried to not be angry but I just resented him in so many ways I began to hate him and it showed. He wasn't there for me emotionally. No matter how hard I tried to get help with my depression I had no support. It made me mean and treat him like crap. Which again he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve how I was treating him. I think if I was properly diagnosed earlier I wouldn't have been like that. I feel bad for how I yelled at him all the time and just degraded him. I shouldn't have let it get that far. I just didn't know how to react to how I felt. So it got bad enough we split up. And honestly it was for the best. We wouldn't have made it for the long haul.

So I seen Don. He was always a great friend and I was always helping him with advice. I never really shared my problems with him, but I always let him talk it out with me. We got close when I started working a lot of hours and he was working with me non stop. We went to hang out, honestly that's all it was meant to be. Until he kissed me. And I never had that feeling before. Well things escalated from there. He was there for me in every way and always said he just wanted me to be happy. He even went to the point of telling me maybe Lee and I should try counceling and him and I just be friends. That he loved me and wanted for me to just be happy even if that meant ending what we had. But things just kept getting worse and worse at home and I knew it was over, he wasn't working so I felt bad and couldn't end it. I didn't think he had anywhere to go. Turns out he did. Since he ended up moving in with his brother.

Things still didn't get better. We fought even being separated. So many emotions just made it worse. Although after 3 months of waiting I finally got in to see the psychiatrist. That's when I was properly diagnosed. Bipolar ll, manic depressive, and anxiety disorder. He upped my antidepressants, my strattera, put me on mood stabilizers and switched me from regular Xanax to Xanax extended relief. What a huge difference it made. I had already gotten super skinny. I dropped weight fast. I wasn't eating due to all the stress and emotions I was feeling. I got under 140 lbs. my dr even said I was to thin.

I was doing much better after all the medicine changes but still had a lot of issues because of them. I couldn't sleep, I'd be up all night. My dr put me on FMLA and I was off work a lot. Don and I got serious. I already was in love with him and knew I wanted only him. But he feelings with Lee didn't just go away.

We got divorced. It's over. Besides a very few things we don't need to speak. Which we don't. I was bashed all over facebook by his family, his ex wife and himself. He put all of our business out there. I never did. I wasn't about to put all the things that went wrong out there. All the things that were problems for me with him. And I didn't. I do still love him and have feelings for him. I'm not over it. Which I'm sure is still causing depression issues with myself. I have dreams about him a lot and I don't know what they mean. It's not that I want to be with him because I don't. Just a lot of history there. I miss our friendship. There were plenty of good times. Not all was bad. He always could make me laugh no matter what. I knew he would always protect me. He's not a bad guy, he's just not the one for me. I hope he finds that someone.

I on the other hand have. Don supports me in every way. He's so patient and is absolutely amazing with lucas. Lucas loves him so much. He's so much happier. I've never seen my son as happy as he is now. Smile as much as he does. I don't have anger like I did before. Don and I don't fight. We get along so well and he understands what I go through daily fighting this illness. And he's there. He doesn't make me feel like shit because of it and understands it won't ever go away. I found the one for me. I'm happy. I have problems with depression still but I've learned how to handle things differently. I don't get upset easily like I did before. It's amazing how different I am. We balance each other out and it's the best feeling having that. I love treating him ways he's never been treated. It's sad the little things his ex never did. How selfish she was. I want to make him happy. Not just myself be happy.

Losing my job even though I had FMLA hit me hard. I got divorced. I was diagnosed with a more serious issue. My world changed in many ways but yet when it comes down to it I'm happy. We are happy. I wouldn't change much. Except my job part. Treating Lee the way I did and cheating on him. Hurting him like I did. I wish that all went down differently. I've learned from my mistakes. I wish nothing but the best for him and hope he finds his happiness like I did. He deserves it.

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Bucket List

My Bucket List

 

I thought long and hard about what I want to do before I die. Many people have one. I'd love to see what I can cross of my list through the years. I'm sure there are more but this is what I came up with so far.

1. Own a jeep
   
2. Swim with dolphins
3. Ride in a hot air balloon
4. Visit Niagra Falls
5. Learn to play the drums
6. Run a marathon
7. Volunteer at animal shelter
8. Take a helicopter ride
9. Visit Disney world
10. Visit Universal Studios
11. Hiking in the Grand Canyon
12. See Phantom of the Opera
13. Visit Bush Gardens
14. Go to the Bristol Night race
15. Take a real photography course
16. Go horseback riding
17. Go zip lining
18. Watch the sunset on the beach
19. Take up kick boxing
20. Take boxing classes
21. Go to Las Vegas and see shows
22. Own my own house
23. Take a pottery class
24. Take a cake decorating course
25. Go on a cruise
26. Explore caves
27. Stand under a waterfall
28. Visit Colorado Rocky Mountains in Colorado
29. Go skiing
30. Take a glass blowing class
31. Visit mall of America
32. Do a murder mystery train
33. Ride a big ride at Cedar Point
34. Go to Comicon
35. Visit New York City
36. Visit Chicago
37. See a Cirque du Soleil show
38. See Kenny Chesney in concert
39. Stay in a cabin in the mountains
40. Go to a winery/vineyard
41. Go to a different NFL game stadium outside Ohio
42. Dine at a VERY fancy resturant
43. Go kayaking
44. Do indoor rock climbing
45. Go paint balling
46. Drive the NASCAR experience
47. Ride a camel
48. Go tobogganing
49. Vacation by car with no destination
50. Stay at a bed and breakfast
51. Visit France
52. Visit the 911 site
53. Visit Italy
54. Plant a garden
55. Go hunting
56. Attend a rodeo
57. Go to country concert (the festival)
58. Own a jet ski
59. See a NBA game
60. See the Super Bowl live

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Happy this week!

So this is something I need to start doing every week. With everything going on. Remembering things that have made me happy and thinking positive. Not concentrating on the negative and problems all the time. Remembering and looking back is therapeutic and helpful in reminding me why it's a big deal to keep my life going.

- I took lucas to the zoo and we had a blast. It was a gorgeous day and we Had so much fun. He was all smiles! All the animals were out and active. He even took his iPod so he could take his own pictures! We saw everything. His favorite was the wolf of course, the aquarium, the sloth bear, and sea otters. He didn't even ask for anything! Very good kid!.. On the was out he grabbed my hand as we were walking to the car and said, "I love you mommy" and gave me a big hug. Made my day!

- After the zoo I took Lucas to his dad's until Friday. Had my psychiatrist appointment. Upped 2 of my meds. So I decided to go get some healthy foods. I was low on fruit and veggies plus I needed some other healthy food for dinners. Came home took meds and had a bad headache since, and was wired! Finally fell asleep around 4! But watched a bunch of my new awesome show Scorpion on DVR and read! It was so nice being here alone!

- Yesterday's weather made me happy!! Gorgeous sunshine! No humidity and was finally able to shut off the A/C!

- Lucas and I were spoiled by a friend that bought us a new Wii U! Can't tell you how happy we are!!

- I got thin. 141 lbs. I'd like to tighten up and lose some of my baby belly. And my hips. But I'm feeling more comfortable and confident in my clothes now. A couple of my dresses are too big but the rest look really good! I don't want some perk saying crap to me but it does make me feel better about myself when I notice them looking. As long as they leave their perverted comments to themselves. Not interested!

- I did some awesome couponing! I got so much laundry soap, toilet paper, dishwasher tabs and more! It was awesome! I haven't been able to do that in awhile.

- Some of My shows are on again!! The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mistressses, Criminal Minds, and Devious Maids!!

- Lucas finally put his $100 big lego city swamp police set for his birthday together. He sat there quiet while watching Teen Titans Go building his set. He was so good and took him about 2 hours. It was amazing and he did a great job!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

- I took Lucas to see Jurassic World on Tuesday. He was in heaven! He's obsessed with Jurassic Park movies, the toys, the new Xbox game I got him and dinosaurs period! GREAT movie. Actually my favorite of the 4!

- I FINALLY found the Chucks I wanted!!! Been looking for my size in the light turquoise for so long and I found them at Kohls on sale for $30!! Saved me $25. And I got another pair of tall boots like my other ones just different color. $80 boots for $20! Look how beautiful they are!?

- Finally my book came out. I was so excited to get it and start it. Grey! The new Fifty Shades Series book told from Christians point of view. I also picked up a few other books that I've been wanting to read. I've been reading like crazy. Book stores are my sanctuary. and I had a really bad day and needed to forget for awhile.

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Misery

Every day I wake up fighting and every night I fall asleep fighting. Myself. My head. My demons. I hate this continuous fight every. Single. Day. I hate how I feel. All these feelings and thoughts that never go away, just burrow deep inside me. I can have the best day and all of a sudden it will creep up on me slowly out of nowhere and BAM! Hits me. I hate the anger that comes with it. I have learned to have a better grasp at controlling it but it still does come out sometimes. Being tired all the time. Struggle to make myself stay awake so I can spend time with lucas and play with him. I hate that my marriage went to hell. I hate choices I've made. I wish he knew what I was truly going through. I wish he understood what goes on in my head. How sorry I am. How I never wanted everything to end up like this. I want to feel Normal. What I would give to be hAppy. All I do anymore is cry. I have no desire to do anything. I slept for like 20 hours so I was out late at my friends boyfriends with them, we stopped drinking. I was so close to canceling on her but I'm glad I didn't. It was good for me to get out with my friends. I'm alone all the time which I read isn't good for someone with my issues to be alone as much as I am because it gives me more time to think bad thoughts. I don't want to end my life but I know I can't go on like this forever. I'm miserable. It's endless. I try so hard to not think negatively. But it's so hard when all you have is yourself. I just want to go back 3 years. Back when I wasn't struggling as bad as I am now. Back when I was happier. Back before I fucked everything up. I hate myself.

Can't escape

 

 

I've recently hit rock bottom with my depression and anxiety. Never have I ever felt this horrible or lost or miserable. For months I could slowly feel myself getting worse and worse, Myself going deeper and deeper into a black whole. I started crying myself to sleep more than ever, when taking a hot bath to relax I find myself just sitting there holding my legs in a ball and I just cry and cry. Lee would knock on the door making sure I didn't fall asleep, little did he know I was in there losing it. I cry on the way to and from work. Basically I cry whenever I'm alone. I'm not the type of girl who can cry and just let it out easily in front of others. I don't like people seeing me at my worst, or that I'm not as strong as I let on.

Finally after crying for an hour in the bathtub when I got out I sat on the edge of the bed in a towel and yelled for Lee to come upstairs. I just started bawling. He had no idea what was going on. I told him I think I should go to rescue crisis. If feeling like this everyday was going to continue then it don't want to live. Lucas luckily is a reason to love for. But I see why people end their life, I honestly do. What's the point of living if your going to be miserable everyday. It's a horrible feeling to feel this way.

Been seeing a dr. He's upped my Xanax quite a bit. 4x what I was on before and changed my antidepressant. Although it's not helping much. Maybe some but not enough. Going once a week so he can monitor my blood pressure and see if my meds are improving. Well they aren't. I need either to have them upped or a different medicine. He gave me a psychologist number to call and set up an appointment but with all my dr appointments going on and dentist appointments I have to wait.

I just want to feel normal. To be happy. That's not asking a lot. But I just can't get there. All I want to do is just lay in bed curled up under the covers. I haven't been able to take my meds the last two days and man can I feel it. I'm so much worse without medicine. Atleast it helps some, it's better than not at all. I'm so emotional. I want to cry and run away. I want to not feel this way.

 

It's hard because when you don't battle depression yourself it's hard to understand. Depression is hard on a relationship. The other person has to pick up a lot of slack on days when you can't get out of bed or can't get off the couch because how horrible you feel. You push people away. I know I do. The worse I feel the more I push people away. I don't know if it's because I don't want them to see me at my worst or because I don't want to hurt them or both or what. When I feel like I do today I am not the nicest person to be around. Especially to ones I care about. I push them away, I'm snappy and bitchy. I intentionally don't want to hurt them. I guess maybe that's why it's best I stay to myself so I don't. I don't want to do that to someone.
This is exactly how I've been lately.

 

 

This is totally how I feel. I'm never happy but I have days where I'm not as bad as others. This is what's so hard. I can't ever be happy just not as down as other days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's hard to explain how I feel. Which is why I'm hoping going to therapy will help me. Maybe it'll be easier talking to someone who has an idea of what's going on. Although they might understand they still won't know how it feels if they don't personally battle it themselves.

 

Sleeping helps get through the day because I don't feel anything. But sometimes all I want to do is sleep and I just lay there and stay at the tv without being able to sleep whatsoever. I hate depending on medicine to get me to be able to get atleast two hours of sleep.

 

 

 

 

Amen!!!!! It's so hard trying to get someone to understand the battle I deal with every day. It's so hard for them to understand this isn't a choice, how I act or feel isn't optional or controllable. I wish everyday I could be different. That I could feel different.

 

 

This is what means the most. A simple hug. Being held. Not speaking and trying to say something that you don't understand. Just holding me and saying your here and meaning it.

 

 

 

Just trying to get through the day is more exhausting that working a 12 hour shift. It takes so much just to try and be normal. To try and not take it out on others. To make yourself get out of bed, to do normal everyday activities. To just remember to smile and laugh so you don't look stupid or out of place. It's exhausting.

 

 

 

I'm always saying I'm fine. I'm not, but people don't want to hear the truth. And I get tired of saying no.

 

 

 

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Feeling lost

This is the worst I've ever felt with battling depression. I've never hit this point of wondering what the point of living is. The only thing that gets me through the day is Lucas. If it wasn't for him I can't say what would happen to me. I go through everyday feeling so lost. Not really "here". I find myself not enjoying much of anything anymore. I used to read so much. I loved reading, couldn't get enough. Now it feels like a chore. I'm on the same book I've been reading for months. It's even by my favorite author, yet I can't seem to want to read more than a couple pages every few days. I don't enjoy my time with Lucas doing fun activities and going to do all the fun activities away like I used to.

Today as I sit in the bath tub the thought crossed my mind to actually go and get help now. I'm scared with how I feel. This isn't normal or healthy. Just to go check myself in somewhere and get better. But I can't afford to miss work. So what am I going to do? Continue going to work everyday coming home feeling like this until I can't anymore.

I want to know why I feel like this. Why do I have to hurt so bad everyday. To fight so hard to feel the slightest bit of happiness.

I just want this pain to end....

To feel normal.

To be happy.

Not have my heart race all day.

Have my mind be calm.

To be positive.

Not hurt.

 

I wish I could just take a magic pill and have all these negative feelings and thoughts that consume my body just disappear for good.

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A daydreamer

Im a dreamer. I over think. AND it drives me crazy!! All I do all day every day is think. And think some more. And then when I think I'm done, NOPE! I think some more.

I'm not talking about just using my brain and thinking like a normal person. No, see that would be easy. And nothing is easy for me. I am far from normal. I can over think any situation. When I want something or plan something or something is going on I will play it out in my head in just about any and every way mentally possible. Then I confuse myself to holy hell!

I like that I play out things in my head but as much as I do all it does is wear me out. When I'm at work I have more than enough time on my hands where I can drift away off into that little land that I wonder off to and think. It won't even be anything big and it will eat at me because I'll replay it in every way possible. Not that I over analyze because I don't, it's different. It can be from what I'm wearing for an event to how I am planning Lucas's birthday that can be months and months away to whatever situation I'm in or what will happen in the future. It doesn't matter what it is, I think about it. Shopping, relationships, parenting, the future, dinner plans, shopping lists, you name it.!

I just want more than anything to turn my mind off at times. It's goes along with my depression I think. Because when I'm depressed it's so much worse.

I wish I could just figure this stuff out and stop spending every waking moment thinking about it! Pick a path and go.

I think if maybe I had more of a life I wouldn't day dream as often as I do. If I had more besides working my life away and coming home doing dinner and Lucas school stuff, etc. Maybe doing things more that I enjoy for myself like I used to. Last summer I still did stuff I enjoyed. I used to exercise regularly, bake, try all these new recipes, (god I used to love to cook!), smash book, hell read! It takes me forever to get through a Book now :( , running, shooting my bow going out for some drinks with my friends. I don't do any of that anymore.

Where did I go? I used to work, do all the kid stuff, mom stuff and still find time to be me... What happened? I've lost who I was, I don't even know anymore.

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Uncontrollable

I get sick of assumptions. "Your acting different" ... "Something's wrong"... Yes something is wrong, and I shouldn't have to always explain how I feel. It drives me crazy! I can't explain it to myself let alone to someone else. After so long you would think it's known. I have depression. I go through spells. I can't control it anymore than someone else can. It's not like I wake up saying today I'm going to be depressed and distant and keep to myself. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.

I hate feeling this way. The unknown feelings. The feeling that I want to get up and go do something but would rather just lay in bed alone. I want to feel normal. I'd love to shit my brain off for a whole day. It just doesn't work that way. There isn't a specific reason I'm depressed. It's not what someone did or hasn't done. It's just me. It's my screwed up brain.

I lay in bed wanting to do something. I have a million things I want to do or get done or make or create or watch or read. But despite all of that, I do nothing. It's not that I don't have the energy it's because I just don't care to. It's easier to lay there and dream. Dream of what I'd rather being doing, because I just can't get myself up to do it. That's depression. I have to deal with it every day. It's a constant battle. It's not something I choose, it chose me. I'm plenty medicated. It just doesn't always seem to work.

If I could change one thing about myself besides my constant unhappiness with my body it would be my daily battle with depression. People who don't have it don't understand it. I'm not saying being on the opposite end of it is easy when you are dealing with someone who is battling it, but try being the person who actually is. It effects your everyday life. Work, social life, relationships, parenthood, daily activities, eating, everything.

 

The sad thing Is I feel like I let Lucas down everyday. I look at him and can tell he is already showing symptoms and signs of depression. He doesn't smile nearly as much as most kids do. It's hard to get that smile out. Just like me. I want more than anything to not have him grow up feeling the way I feel. No matter how much I do ith him or smother him with love it won't change that.

 

 

When its nice out and the sun is shining bright, it helps my mood some. When it's dreary and cold it makes me feel the same way. The weather can play a role in your depression also.

I'm the type of person that needs to be kept busy. The more downtime I have the more I have time to think, and to over think. I get worn out by working so much and running around with every day stuff but it's better for me to be like that than to not. Ive been down almost a week, off work in pain with my back. Do I think that's playing a role in my mood right now? Hell yes! I have to much time on my hands which means I have no clue how to fill it. See I also have ADHD so my attention span is shit. Next to me I have my phone, iPod, iPad (which I'm currently on) and my book. I keep bouncing from one to the other. Texting, playing games, Pintrest, reading, searching the web, and watching Lucas and his friend play video games. Lol.

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So cute I can't stand it!!

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a complete utter animal freak! I love all animals! Not an animal out there that I can't find something cute about! If I could I would own a huge piece of land with many different sorts of animals.

I am a sucker when it comes to animals. I would rather surround myself with animals than people any day. Animals are innocent, people are not. When it comes to my own animals, they are my life. I spoil them like my children. Especially Harlie. She's my baby. My princess! I got her right before I found out I was pregnant with a lucas.

I used to have a lot more animals than I do now but unfortunately I had to put them down. At one point I had 4 fish, a frog, a big lizard, 4 rats, 3 cats and 2 dogs. I miss my rats like crazy. They were so lovable and smart! I would love to get more but their life span is only 2 years and that's to heart breaking for me to go through losing an animal that frequently. :( I was very attached to Fatters (squishy) our big male rat, and his wifey (lol they had 2 liters is I married them) Mamma's (ratouille). They knew who mommy was. Makes me said thinking about it :( .

If you know me you know penguins are my favorite animals. I love them!!! Next would probably be giraffes! But it's hard to choose, I love so many animals and they are just so cute! I like any cute stuffed animal. I couldn't have to many!

I love that Lucas took on my love of animals also. He loves the. He reads books, and watches all the animal shows, loves stuffed animals and the zoo! He can't watch animals being killed on tv like me either. We are more animal people than anything. I love that he's like that. I believe if you Are an animal lover you have a bigger heart. It shows a lot of character about get type of person you are!

Here are some of my faves!

Eeek! My favorite!!! Penguins!

 

 

 

I mean really how adorable!

 

What a cute giraffe!!!

 

Look at that face!!!!!!!

Hedgehogs!!! I will be getting one soon! Lucas keeps asking when I'm getting one. They are so damn cute!!

 

 

 

 

 

Seals are so cute!! Look how innocent they look!

 

 

 

Otters!!

 

 

Such mean animals, but so freakin cute!!

Platypus! God they are cute!!!!

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Happy this week

Happy This Week

 

Here we go again! Another day to reflect the past week and what has made me happy this week.

 

** Gorgeous weather! Warm days and cool nights. What more could you ask for!?!

** Lucas had his first sleepover at a friends house Wednesday night. Ok so maybe I took it hard (pathetic I know! Lol) but he was so happy so how couldn't I be?

** The perfect watermelon! Yes this makes me happy! So ripe, red, sweet and juicy!... Yummmmmm!

** Lucas had a house full of kids basically all week. I love him having friends over. Lucas and a bunch of kids piled into our pool and swam. Floating between the pool and jumping on the trampoline.!

** Tesla concert Friday night! Amazinggggg as always! I love Telsa! The singers voice and way he moves. He's awesome! Great show, and we were so close!!

** I bought Justin Moore tickets for july 27th!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo!! Super psyched (if you can't tell!)

** Saturday my good friend Helen and I went out for her birthday. We went to Carmels listened to a buddy of ours DJ, had some margaritas and good food. Went out after, had way to much to drink, met new people, and had lots of laughs!... Had a couple stalkers lol, but I held my own. Makes ya feel good getting hit on though. Atleast I know someone still is interested in how I look lol.

** Sunday was our 2 year wedding Anniversary. We went to Gratzi's in Ann Arbor. Got all dressed up and had an amazing meal. I ordered mussels, scallops, and shrimp linguine in a pesto sauce. Yum! It's nice to have a fancy dinner where you never been at a REAL Italian resturant! Had a nice very nice meal! From the appetizer, salad, main course to the dessert it was all amazing! Before it was a resturant it was an old theatre, gorgeous inside.!

Appetizer.. Cured meat, cheeses, and grilles veggies.

Yummy salad!How amazing does this pasta dish look! My faveeeee!

 

Trimasu... So good!!

Waiter took our pic at dinner.

 

Gorgeous view!

 

** I had the weekend off! Probably last one for awhile! Boo!

 

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